Macaulay Culkin was said to be devastated last night after setting up a serious of elaborate traps to keep Michael Jackson out of his house that lead to the world's most famous carnival freak having a fatal heart attack.

Culkin said, "I didn't want the guy to die.  I just wanted him to stay the fuck away from me.  The doorbell rang, I checked the peep hole, at first thought it was V for Vendetta calling but then it dawned on me it was Michael.  I panicked and thought back to my days shooting Home Alone, Home Alone 2, Home Alone New York and Home Alone in a Caravan and decided 'this is my house, I have to defend it'." 

"I littered toy cars all over the hallway, loaded Angels with Filthy Souls into the VHS player, rigged up a flame thrower on the stairs and hid in the basement.  But Michael was relentless, he danced his way through all the traps.  I hadn't seen him move so well since he used to be an entertainer back in the 80s."

"I could hear him speaking in that weird little voice he used, saying, 'Macaulay, are you thirsty for more?'"

The fatal heart attack is said to have happened when a shocked Jackson found Culkin in the basement and realised he was no longer a cute little boy, but a fucked up shell of a man.  

Mourners gathered outside the LA hospital where Jackson was taken to and spent the night imitating his dance moves badly, seeing how many times they could shoehorn the word 'genius' into interviews and telling the media that the media were to blame for completely blowing out of proportion the 10 charges of child molestation the singer faced .  Most of the fans gathered paid tribute to Jackson's freakery by turning up looking, acting and sounding like unhinged mentalists.  

Michael Jackson's best friend Uri Geller revealed Jackson sent him a message just before his death, "Michael contacted me with his psychic energy and said 'Uri, do not worry, things are going to be ok.  You can make lots of money from doing interviews about me.  I put down my spoons and sat by the phone waiting for GMTV to call.'"

The guy from the Orange cinema adverts released a statement saying, "This is phenomenal. People have been texting Michael Jackson jokes all over the world.  Since Michael Jackson died I've been able to buy myself 3 new swimming pools.  It's been a good year for us.  First Jade Goody, now Jackson, if only mobiles had been in popular use when Diana croaked it.  Wow."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

TOP GEAR MYSTERY: IS IT REALLY CLARKSON?


"If I stand up people are going to know I've shit myself."

Long in the tooth BBC establishment Top Gear began its 490th series by trying to fool viewers into believing Michael Schumacher is the man behind the show's mysterious Stig character. The stunt was expected to reignite all that old debate about the identity of the Stig but instead has led viewers to ask if the overgrown oaf seen presenting the show was really Jeremy Clarkson.

Tom Bradshaw, a long time viewer who buys Porsche branded clothes and merchandise but doesn't own a Porsche said, "There's no way that was Clarkson. Are we to believe Jeremy would interview a German and not give him what's for about the war, ask him if the women have hairy armpits, or make some strained joke about German's stealing deck chairs on holiday? He didn't even call him a nazi."


Clarkson, before BBC make-up works its magic.

The BBC moved quickly to ensure viewers the idiot hosting the show was indeed Jeremy Clarkson and promised he would insult a minority on next weeks show to prove it. "It really was Clarkson, I've looked at his fee for the show and it's definitely Clarkson. Since the death of variety shows he's the only 6 foot 5 inch freak still getting that sort of money."

Michael Schumacher was quick to release a statement distancing himself from the role of The Stig, for people who care, "What most people who believe I'm the Stig seem to be overlooking is that that edition of Top Gear featured the new Ferrari FXX. I work for Ferrari. Is it all becoming clear yet? If not please pay attention to the fact that I WON SEVEN F1 CHAMPIONSHIPS just so I wouldn't have to be involved with rubbish like Top Gear when I'm retired."

To continue flogging the Stig's identity horse the BBC is expected to have a host of guest stars claiming to be the driver over the rest of the series, culminating in the shocking and utterly untrue revelation that the Stig is Maureen from BBC's driving school.

ESPN BUY DROSS THAT PUT SETANTA OUT OF BUSINESS.

ESPN have bought the rights to 46 awful Premiership fixtures that Sky Sports can't be arsed showing. Sky had previously ditched the fixtures onto Setanta in a cunning and ultimately successful effort to put the Irish company out of business.

Again Sky Sports avoided bidding seriously on the fixtures allowing ESPN to gain the rights to thrilling fixtures including Stoke, Burnley, Bolton, Blackburn, Hull City, Birmingham, Wigan, Sunderland and Wolves. On the plus side, ESPN have probably bought themselves a lot of games featuring former footballer Michael Owen.


Michael Owen in familiar football pose.

The Disney owned American company admit they don't know much about football and have issued a request to change the teams suffixes from the likes of 'City' and 'Wanderers' to more exciting ones like 'Lighting' and 'Conquerors'.

The deal does not include the rights to Setanta's Scottish fixtures. A spokesman for ESPN said, "We might not know much about football but we're not stupid enough to buy that Scotch stuff."


Christ, turns out Scottish football isn't even good enough to be a Mickey Mouse league.

"We interviewed every sober Scot we could find and asked if they felt £3 million was a fair price for Scottish football. We polled for 3 days and got 8 replies. The majoirty of the responses stated they'd rather pay someone £3 million to have their eyes gouged out so they never had to see Scottish football again."

"Before we got involved I thought Scottish football only had two teams playing each other 40 times a season but there's actually four divisions full of shite. It's amazing, really."

An MP who has previously stated ordinary people should be prepared to tackle anti-social behaviour has had seven shades of shit knocked out of him after attempting to tackle an incident of anti-social behaviour.

Tobias Ellwood approached the 4 youths because they were playing football in the street. "I kindly asked them to take their ball and play with it down Scalleywag Street, pointing out that my street was home to some very expensive Lexus'. The youth's didn't respond well, pointing out my bouffant hair and referring to my superior upbringing."


Tobias Ellwood, taking it to anti-social behaviour one self-induced ass handing at a time.

"I then explained to them the anti-social nature of what they were doing and asked shouldn't they be off playing Playstation instead?" The Tory MP had a similar experience last year when he confronted a group of six year olds digging for worms in a local park. "That time the anti-social mob threw some stones at me. This gang were much more vicious, a sure sign of New Labour failing to make young people respect their elders."

"One of the youths curled an inch perfect strike of the ball straight into my nose. I fell to the ground then there was a horrible sound as they attacked me. It was like a constant guffaw but much more guttural."

"Once they left I picked myself up, dusted myself down and took myself of to an NHS hospital where the overworked staff, suffering under a long era of New Labour rule sent me home saying there was nothing wrong with me when clearly I had a bloody nose and was in desperate need of a cup of tea."

Gang expert Ross Kemp commented on the incident. "If Gorbals Mick confronted a gang then maybe, just maybe he could get somewhere. When you confront a gang and you're called Tobias you really are fucked."

Masses of Britons are expected to withdraw their children from conventional schools as Gordon Brown has said he may consider teaching when his shaky grip on the PM's job finally gives out.

In a candid interview the PM said that he had considered quitting but decided against it as 'blow jobs just feel better when you're in power'.

In a departure from his normal, relentlessly frustrating rhetoric on banking the PM forgot to blame the USA and admitted he didn't force regulation on banks because he didn't want Britain to be different from the rest of the world. "I couldn't stand by and see Britain be the odd one out in the playground, to have the bullies of China and Japan come up and go, 'na na na na na you've only got one eye'... I mean, 'you've been regulated'."

In regards to Caroline Flint's recent statement that Brown only involves women in politics as 'window dressing' the PM said, "What does that silly little bitch know? What do any of those silly little bitches know? Too busy thinking about their shoes to know what's going on in a man's world."

Window dressing? With women who look this this?.

The interview ended before questions turned to Brown's performance on Iraq and MP's expenses because the PM started to cry a little. "You see?" he said, "I'm a bit of a fragile soul... I'm not exactly a people person... I have power but don't know how to use it properly... That only really leaves becoming a ticket collector on the trains or a teacher. And have you seen what we've done to the trains?"

Harry Robinson, a parent from some ugly British town said, "I wouldn't be too happy with that guy teaching my kid. I think he's a bit rubbish. With a Prime Minister, if you think they're going to be rubbish you just don't vote them... wait, I've confused myself. Do you vote for Prime Ministers?"

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

The Department of Employment has revealed that people tuning into terrible day time TV is at a 12 year high. A Job Centre spokesman said, "We've tried to make high unemployment rates easier on everyone by scheduling signing on times around The Wright Stuff and Jeremy Kyle."


The threat of Kilroy-Silk looms large.

48 year old TV viewer John Brewster explained how watching trashy TV was helping him cope with the disappointment of losing his job. "It's not a bad life. I get up around 11, watch a chat show or two - there was this one the other day where a goat was having an affair with some scouse trollop and her husband was completely oblivious until they brought the goat out and it started humping her leg. Brilliant."

"Then there's commercial breaks showing people in a pile of bills bawling their bloody eyes out. I'll admit, those ones are a bit depressing so after a few commercial breaks I normally start drinking cider. By the time Loose Women comes on I'm feeling good enough to crack one off over the panel. All this without even putting on a shirt and tie."


Who doesn't have a hard-on?

Young people have been hardest hit by rising unemployment rates with over 15% of 18-24 year olds currently unemployed. ITV released a press release congratulating themselves on attracting a chunk of this audience. "The greatest challenge broadcasters have faced in the past is keeping young people interested in our programming. Scientific research has shown that young people are not idiotic enough to want to watch something with Ross Kemp in it, or people from soaps doing each other's laundry."

"But now young people have no choice and have to watch our summer offerings of Ross Kemp on Ghenghis Khan and Soap Star Potato Waffle Cook Off."

Not all youngsters are convinced by TV's offerings. 20 year old Gavin Thompson said the recessional unemployment has allowed him and many of his friends to engage their 'vigorously active libidos' more often. "It's sort of like having retirement at a time in your life when you're not crippled and can enjoy it. And to make ends meet I've taken up stealing car stereos. Sure beats watching Philip Schofield pretend to be interested in what's happening in the Bill."

The Governor of the Bank of England has called for the bank to be given 'more powers' to confront its arch nemeses, including the exiled Sir Fred Godwin. Mervyn King made an impassioned speech asking to be given 'laser eyes', 'super strength' and a 'really bulging crotch'.



King compared the Bank of England in its current state to a 'church whose sermons were ignored by its congregation'. He then extended the metaphor to say the bank had a ' fixation with young impressionable boys' and was generally a 'bit bloody useless'.

"I feel like I'm Aquaman with the amazing ability to talk to sea life when I need to be more like Superman and be able to fly chicks around the skyline instead of buying them dinner."



Powerlord Alistair Darling stated earlier that the Bank of England already had enough power but he would consider supplying King with a pair of bifocal glasses to aid the transition between general purpose observation of bankers and reading.

King expressed his dissatisfaction at this and explained that he would continue to 'walk around nuclear power stations touching stuff' until he happened upon the super powers he was being denied.

Chancellor Alistair Darling has said that the current financial crisis has not been caused by piss poor banking regulation and has instead chosen to blame a series of mythical creatures including a minotaur, the Loch Ness monster and pixies at the bottom of the garden.

Darling delivered the announcement while his balls were wedged tightly in a RBS branded vice. "It's easy for people to look at nonexistent things like 'banking regulation' and blame everything on that. But if we're going to do that why not blame other nonexistent things like Nessie, sober Irishmen and God?"

"I would like to go on record saying that it's all the fault of pixies. Malicious, tiny, money grabbing pixies. How can anyone hope to regulate creatures that are too small to see?"

Darling, who last week avoided being reshuffled into unemployment by super gluing his buttocks into his cabinet seat, has now been labeled as 'certifiably batshit insane' by a leading psychiatrist. "If he really believes weak banking regulation isn't even a little bit to blame for what's going on then he is a fucking loon. Professionally speaking."

Pizza chain Domino's has apologised after a video appeared on youtube showing Domino's staff farting on pizzas. A spokeswoman for the company said, "The actions of the two people involved overshadows the good work done by the vast majority of Domino's lackeys, most of whom do nothing worse than occasionally dip their cocks into the draft juice syrup to ease the burning of the sexually transmitted diseases most fast food workers carry."

Domino's have sacked the two pranksters involved and have started criminal proceedings. "We are not in the mood to forgive and forget. I'd like to flog them and hang them up by a butcher's hook, to be honest. This could seriously damage our image. When fat idiots are stuffing their faces they want to do so safe in the knowledge that the product is pure, apart from all the preservatives, industrial salt, saturated fat, artificial colourings, of course."

The mother of one of the pranksters said, "I'm utterly embarrassed by what she did. I couldn't believe it when I saw the video. I haven't been this embarrassed by my little girl since it first dawned on me my 30 year old daughter's career was working in Domino's."



Domino's were adamant the pranked food was never giving out to customers despite the video showing it being handed to customers. "Let's face it, if we gave you a pizza with farts on it we'd bloody well charge for the farts."

Ashton Kutcher has unveiled plans for a special Punk'd based on the Domino's pizza pranksters. Kutcher said, "Basically I just want to get a low grade celebrity to eat dogs seamen. Straight from the mutts nuts."

The 2008/20009 football season finished yesterday and left football fans saying 'I knew that would happen! Same time, same place next season then?'

Chelsea and Rangers beat plucky no hopers Everton and Falkirk respectively to win their domestic FA Cups. One Chelsea fan said, "I just knew Chelsea could win one of the trophies they were playing for. That's why I bought a Chelsea top in the first place."

Fans have been slow to renew season tickets which sports/economics University types have said is due to the 'credit crunch providing a great excuse not to shell out thousands for the same old routine'.

Noted racist and former football pundit Ron Atkinson said, "If you look at all the major leagues in Europe, and I don't count the frog's league, then they were all won by the usual candidates. Thankfully Juventus and Ajax didn't win their leagus cos I still can't pronounce their soft 'j's' correctly. But generally there's only 2 or 3 teams in each league who can challenge. The German league had a shock winner, yeah. But supercharged Arian football doesn't count in my book. It's all 'Hans, Hans put da ball straight on my toe. Thanking you'. I'd rather watch monkeys play up a tree..."



Sky Sports are in crisis talks with Premier League clubs to make football more entertaining so they can keep selling £50 quid a month contracts to armchair fatties. "Why can't the Premiership be more like an episode of Lost?" said one executive, "Football should get with the times. Be more like a drama with real people instead of a boring old game of football. Manchester City getting all that money is sort of like a mysterious new character appearing in Lost, maybe like Lost it'll take ages for them to make any impact..."

"For years we've been saying the Premiership is the best league in the world. But I don't know if we can still say that. Have you seen the names of the teams in it next year? It's going to be incest-tastic on the terraces... It's a difficult position for us. we need thrills and spills and shocks but we can't take it too far or you end up with a diddy team in Europe embarrassing English football. Remember Blackburn Rovers?"

The Honour Roll for next season may be similar to the previous 10 seasons but season 2009/2010 has some issues undecided, will the Europa league replace the UEFA Cup in the hearts and minds of the people as 'that other European trophy the average teams play for'? Will Chelsea keep a manager for a whole season? And what of Carlos Tevez? Will he admit he is a time travelling play boy and went back in time to do the dirty with Carlos Puyol's mother?