ITV FINED FOR CRUELTY TO VULNERABLE CREATURES.

ITV have been fined after contestants on I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here were forced to open their mouths live on TV and make complete tits out of themselves, hoping to secure a fleeting record deal or a slot presenting a late night digital TV show.

The Royal Society for the Protection of Washed-up Celebrities issued the fine to ITV after it deemed that this constituted cruelty to the celebrities.  A spokesman said, "As an organisation we are here to protect celebrities from being subject to cruel and exploitive behaviour, unless it helps that celebrity become an even bigger celebrity.  We appreciate that ITV signed up people famous for being skanks, going out with a famous skank, or having sat in the same room as a famous skank at some point, but that's no excuse to inflict such cruel behaviour upon them when there's no prospect of the celebrity ever getting anything greater than the opportunity to open a new Asda somewhere in Dorset." 

"We've stood by and let ITV humiliate these pathetic, vulnerable creatures for years but last year's show went too far.  A celebrity should never have to eat a festering rat, no matter how down on their luck they are.  Working class people hardly ever have to eat rats, so a celebrity shouldn't EVER have too.  Remember celebrities are better than us.  Even Dean Gaffney.  And they deserve finer things and treatment."

The fine imposed on ITV amounts to a paltry £1,600 but some experts have suggested this is almost enough to bankrupt the company and may lead to ITV rehashing more seasons of money spinning shows such as Britain's Still Definitely Got Talent, Somewhere, or just resorting to rigging phone lines again.

ITV were unrepentant in their statement, "We can promise fans of I'm a Celebrity, those cruel, twisted sorts who enjoy torturing fallen stars with face hugging tarantulas an even more controversial series next time.  There'll be Hollyoaks actors eating each other's severed testicles, former boy band members fighting to the death over a meal of hog's hoofs and Toby Anstis is on the verge of agreeing to be the victim for an on screen crucifixion.  Please watch the show!  And DON'T FLICK when the adverts come on.  That makes baby Jesus cry."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

US military should become more fabulous. 

Your gran blamed for Iraq invasion.  

Dicking around on Facebook not to blame for finding exam tough, says Facebook group.

posted by The Ed at 8:22 PM

US MILITARY SHOULD BECOME MORE FABULOUS.

The US military should be allowed to become more fabulous, according to the country's Top Commander.  Adm Mike Mullen sipped a Cosmopolitan while telling a Senate hearing that the US military's 'Don't ask, Don't tell' policy is a barrier stopping the military from receiving a fantastic makeover.

"Can you imagine how much American forces would benefit from a splash of flamboyance here and there?  Colour, people.  Those drab camouflages are sooooo last century.  More Queens for the Marines.  That's my motto", said Mullen.

"And for those people who think gay people can't serve in the forces, I draw your attention to the motion picture Top Gun.  A movie full of gays kicking foreign ass.  Every last one of them as gay as the day is long.  Except Tom Cruise, of course.  Tom is so straight he impregnates rooms full of women with his undoubted heterosexuality."

Senator John McCain sat on the committee and was disappointed by the outcome.  "This policy hasn't been ideal, but it's been effective.  Effective at helping me believe that there aren't gay people in the military.  What respect would the people of the nations we invade have for us Americans if instead of waltzing in there and raising their village to the ground in a blitz of fire-power we went in there and offered to do some hairdressing?"

"Understand this - a gay man would not have sex with Sarah Palin.  That is terrifying.  What is wrong with these people?  Don't they have taste?  But I suppose if this whole gay thing they're going through isn't a phase then they're best out the country than in it."

President Obama's State of the Union address last week started the debate.  Obama said, "I know I said I'd withdraw troops before I came to power.  But that hasn't happened.  We need all the good men we can get.  If those good men have good fashion sense then I don't see that as being something that should stop them serving the country they love.  I'll even chuck in a free Scissor Sister's CD for every gay that I can get enrolled."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Your gran made Tony Blair invade Iraq.

Facebook not to blame for finding exam tough, say Facebook group. 

Police reveal hooligans are ugly.

posted by The Ed at 2:12 AM

TONY BLAIR SET TO BLAME YOUR GRAN FOR IRAQ INVASION.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair will answer questions at the Iraq Enquiry today and is expected to blame your gran for his decision to invade Iraq.

"Tony's going to find it hard up there today, on account of him warmongering without bothering to get some legal formalities dispensed with first.  Slight issue there." said political expert Clinton Farnell.  "We've been told Tony will enter the inquiry riding on the back of a tin foil decorated float while playing the opening to Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple before explaining that he didn't seek legal justification because lawyers are 'very nasty and expensive people, as everyone knows.  Not as nasty and expensive as a stupid war but nasty and expensive nonetheless'"

As the inquiry starts to ask awkward questions about documents they have from everyone working in a legal capacity for the government that say "For the love of baby Jesus, DO NOT join this war just now.  There'll be plenty of time left to kill Iraqis after you get UN permission." Blair is expected to deploy his main defence of blaming your Granny.

"Tony is going to argue that even though there were no weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was the sort of chap who could start building such weapons at some point in the future.  "Blair will present his case against Saddam saying that he was 'shady and couldn't be trusted and that your gran agreed this was a good enough reason to start a war, so why won't you?!'

You are expected to respond by admitting that Granny did think Saddam was going to kick down her door and vaporise her with chemical weapons emitted from her moustache but that she also thought Terry Wogan was sexy and that the local kids looked at her funny and that didn't make those things true.  Except the local kids looking at her funny but that was on account of her spending her final days standing in the garden, stripped to the waist pointing a garden rake at them while mumbling incoherently.

Tony Blair is then expected to bring a close to proceedings saying, "You know what, guys.  We can sit and go over this all day.  Truth is you've got much more chance of making Gordon look the fool than someone as slick as me.  You should conserve your energies for that.  How about I spend the rest of this enquiry banging out some Led Zep and AC/DC, we'll knock off early and I'll buy you all lunch?"

Blair's biographer Anthony Seldon said, "I would expect Tony to charm his way out of this.  Look at that smile.  Wouldn't you just forgive him anything?  Besides, blaming your gran for the war isn't anywhere near as ridiculous as saying 'God made me do it' which he said before and got away with.  I expect today to be an important step in the resurrection of Tony Blair that will be pivotal in him becoming the first Supreme President of the Solar Galaxy.  And when that happens, Mars better watch out."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Dicking around on Facebook not to blame for finding exam tough, says Facebook group. 

Hooligans are ugly lot, reveal police.  

Tiger Woods swan stuns experts.

posted by The Ed at 8:24 AM

DICKING AROUND ON FACEBOOK NOT TO BLAME FOR FINDING EXAM TOUGH, SAYS FACEBOOK GROUP COMPLAINING ABOUT TOUGH EXAM.

A facebook group protesting about the content of an A-level biology exam has been launched by whingey students who haven't had their results yet.

Members of the group are hoping that they can persuade the exam board to give them all A's because the board should appreciate that being on Facebook all the time and making silly reactionary groups is too much of a distraction from studying to resist.  The group are also hoping to encourage the public to make Rage Against the Machine number one on A-level results day.  Probably.

Students are complaining that the paper asked questions that weren't covered during the course and are concerned that the paper will cost them places at University.  One student said, "We were not taught exactly what areas to study for.  I'm not saying that we should be told what questions are coming up, we're not at University yet after all...  But the course didn't even give us massive clues as to what the exam would ask.  It was as if this exam was trying to test our overall knowledge of the subject and we weren't prepared for that."

Another anxious student said, "If I don't get into uni I'll have to stay in my depressing shit hole of a town and start having kids to shaven headed thugs.  I'll be 23 with four kids, weigh 20 stone and be black and blue all over from the domestic abuse that the non university educated indulge in.  Why are the exam board doing to this to me?"

Jamie McCuin wrote, "They should make it so that we all get automatic A's, if they could also make it so that we get another series of Skins - but with vampires, better school lunches, Mr Christies wig to fall off in class and for me to get a feel of Kelly Swanson's chebs then that would be smashing."

A spokesman for the exam board said, "We are aware some idiot students are on the internet annoyed that an examination we set actually resembled an examination for a change.  There have been concerns that the paper didn't allow students to display their abilities adequately.  One of the wall posts on the Facebook page read, 'WTF?  LIKE, WTF?  LOL.  R U KIDDIN' ME?  DAT PAPER SUCKED. ROFL LMAO'.  You're telling me that student has abilities to display?  Aye right - disabilities, maybe."

"We're basically all just sitting round watching the incoherent posts on this page and having a right good laugh.  We'll definitely set difficult papers in the future if this is the sort of entertainment we get out of it.  As for students being prevented from meeting the requirements for University courses we can lessen those fears by reminding students that if you can spell your name correctly and do simple arithmetic you are a shoo-in  for a Uni place."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Police pictures reveal that football hooligans are an ugly lot. 

Experts stunned by Tiger Woods swan. 

Fears grow that Obama is a commie.

posted by The Ed at 7:47 PM

POLICE PICTURES REVEAL FOOTBALL HOOLIGANS ARE AN UGLY LOT.

Police have released images of 15 ugly hooligans following trouble at last week's Manchester derby.  The pictures were released to shatter the image that football hooligans are decent looking blokes, as suggested by films such as Green Street Hooligans.

A police spokesman said, "It's important that the public realise that hooliganism is not as glamorous as the movies make out. Football hooligans don't look like Elijah Wood or that blonde bloke with the ripped torso who was in that queer programme.  Your average football hooligan looks like his mum and dad were brother and sister.  And that's before they start knocking each others teeth out for fun."

"The images released support this and are a stark warning to any young lad to stay away from football hooliganism.  We know that following someone as rubbish, say, as Newcastle or West Ham or whatever can make the idea of getting seven shades of shit kicked out of you appealing but it just isn't worth it.  Look at these guys and think long and hard about the ramifications of carrying a face like that about for the rest of your life.  Imagine the munts that you'd have to lay if you looked like that."

Local slag Britney McGinty looked over the images and said, "Jeez, they're so foul looking I'd maybe only do 11 or 12 out of the 15 of them.  Unless I was absolutely moroculous.  That said, they're still all better looking than Carlos Tevez, ain't they?"

Last week's entertaining Manchester derby has left both sets of fans eagerly anticipating the second leg.  Manchester shops have sold out of lighter fluid and many fans are said to be stocking up on empty bottles and raiding their children's piggy banks for coins to throw.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Experts stunned by Tiger Woods swan. 

Is Obama a Commie? 

Wife of N.I. leader confuses life with plot of The Graduate.

posted by The Ed at 9:24 AM

EXPERTS STUNNED BY TIGER WOODS SWAN.

Swan experts (for there is such a thing) have been stunned after witnessing a rare swan divorce.  One keeper at the Gloucestershire sanctuary where the swans live said, "On the face of it they had it all.  They'd cultivated this image of the perfect relationship,  always smiling any time we bothered to look in on them.  But it was all surface.  Behind the scenes things were all kinds of wrong."

Swan expert Tia Holoway explained, "Swans are generally quite stupid animals.  They have real loyalty for each other and mate for life.  I know, I know, it makes no sense.  That's why they always look so pissed off all the time and are aggressive bad asses.  Can you imagine having to be stuck to the first person you gave a fumble to forever?  Nightmare."

"Baby, I've got a lot of love to give..."

Sheila Bormann, a keeper at the Gloucestershire sanctuary said, "We noticed something was of amiss before they emigrated for winter.  Every time she had her back turned he was off dipping his beak into other swans feathers.  But he did well to keep her from finding out.  Then one day we found him by the side of the pond, kind of bashed up a bit.  It was odd, but we didn't make any connections so tossed him back in the pond.  Then he came back with a younger swan in tow after winter and we were all like 'oh there's gonna be trouble when she gets back' but she turned up with another bloke, so I guess that makes it ok."

"Before all this he had one of those ridiculous pretentious names we like to give to captive animals, 'Sarindi' or something lame.  But we've now renamed him Tiger to commemorate his sexual prowess.  It was a close vote between 'Tiger' and 'Top Shagger' for his new name - voices were raised, name calling was indulged, mothers were mentioned."

The incident has put the Swans lucrative patronage by the Queen in jeopardy.  The Queen is said to be upset that her name could be associated with a sleazy, two timer that doesn't understand the 'you've made your bed - now lie in it' sanctity of marriage - especially as she is already associated with Prince Charles.  A royal correspondent said, "The Queen is given serious consideration to lending her support to a different animal.  Her Majesty does not appreciate comments from the citizen classes that a sloth or a leech is an appropriate association .  Thank you very much."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Fears grow that Obama is a commie. 

Wife of N.I. Leader confuses life with plot of The Graduate. 

Brown doesn't understand phrase 'storm in tea cup'.

posted by The Ed at 11:28 AM

FEARS GROW THAT OBAMA IS A COMMIE.

Normal law abiding American citizens have taken to the streets to fire guns into the air amid concerns that President Obama may be a communist.  Intellectual Americans across the country's University Campuses have dealt with the fear by chugging kegs of rancid all American beer while trailer park residents have been slapping their kids about, to try and retain a sense of normality.

Suspicions first arose when Obama unveiled health reforms aimed at providing the 30 million Americans who can't afford any health insurance an alternative from eventually keeling over and dying in the street.  Obama has since spoken out against the banks proposing to regulate them like he 'was their daddy'.

A joint statement released by America's biggest health insurers and banks said, "Unfortunately President Obama sees fit to attack our ability to make money just because it may bring misery to some people's lives.  He is neglecting how much joy making that money brings us.  Making money at any cost is as fundamental a piece of American identity as school shootings and learning geography through war."

Zane Brehant, a petrol attendant from Missouri said, "He's as big a commie as Charlie Chaplin, in my book.  What's next?  He'll be forcing McDonalds and Pizza Hut out of school cafeterias and replacing them with nutritious state meals.  We need to stop this maniac before he rips apart the very fabric of American living.  I think every American would agree that if he tries to take our right to an early heart attack then he has taken our freedom."

World War II veteran John Hoskins belongs to a minority of Americans who are relieved to discover Obama's alleged communist leanings.  "You know where you are with a commie.  He'll be out his back yard building inferior space shuttles, drinking Vodka and wearing a silly hat.  Those were the good old days.  Not like now where the enemy is invisible.  I could be a terrorist.  You could be a terrorist.  There's no way of knowing until the bombs start going off and then it's too late.  I'm fairly sure I'm not a terrorist but I don't know about you... I'm giving you to the count of 5 to get off my property..."

Obama has responded to the concerns by saying, "I told you I would bring change.  And after serving as President for a year people no longer accuse me of not being born American, they just accuse me of Anti-American sentiment and being a Communist.  That's change we can believe in, people.  Progress is being made.  Maybe next year I'll face accusatios of being a 10 year old little white girl."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Wife of N.I. leader confuses life with plot of The Graduate. 

Brown doesn't understand phrase 'storm in a tea cup'.  

Snow may cause cancer.

posted by The Ed at 10:33 AM

WIFE OF N.I. FIRST MINISTER CONFUSES LIFE WITH PLOT OF THE GRADUATE.

The wife of Northern Ireland's First Minister has admitted that she has been suffering from a mental illness which made her confuse reality with the plot from 1967 Oscar winning film The Graduate.

Iris Robinson said, "For years now I've been convinced I'm the real Mrs Robinson.  On sunny days I sit in the garden sipping a Martini and taking long draws of a cigarette waiting for the young mail man to come round.  When he does turn up I attempt to offer him sophisticated conversation in my most seductive American drawl but end up screeching crude obscenities in my harsh Northern Irish tones.  It doesn't matter though, he still nails me over the patio furniture."

"I realise now that this has all come out I should start to deal with my problem.  This has been tough on on all us, tough for me because I have to stop getting some off teenage toy-boys and tough for my husband because he has to hear about how his wife has been getting some off teenage toy-boys."

"I'm getting better now.  I have accepted that I am not really the Mrs Robinson from The Graduate.  I'm over it.  Now if you'll excuse me I have a couple of Simon and Garfunkel records to listen to while desperately fretting that my daughter might start seeing the lad I was having an affair with." 

Irish First Minister Peter Robinson has forgiven his wife saying, "God will forgive her.  The God who sends plagues of locusts and floods the world.  Yeah, thats the God I want her to have to ask forgiveness from."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Brown doesn't understand phrase 'storm in tea cup'.

Snow may cause cancer.

Women asks Pope, "Why won't you acknowledge our son?"

posted by The Ed at 7:06 PM

BROWN REVEALS HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND PHRASE 'STORM IN TEA CUP'.

"Could you bring me a less stormy one, please?"

Gordon Brown has referred to a plot to oust him as Labour leader and the six hours it took for senior cabinet ministers to sound their support for him as a 'storm in a tea cup', suggesting he either has some very large tea cups with their own extreme weather atmospheres or he doesn't understand this phrase.

"I've had bigger things to deal with this week to be honest, like figuring out how I can be voted Worst Dress Man of 2009 while Cameron appears on a best dressed man list when essentially we are always seen in the same basic outfit.  Should I ditch the tie for less formal events?  I've also had Sarah nipping my head for a 19 year old lover..."

"These are the real issues and I'm the man with the job of doing the job on these issues.  This is no time for a well dressed novice.  Two high profile ministers sending out an email trying to drum up support for a secret leadership battle is nothing that an increased dosage of my favourite painkillers won't solve."

David Cameron responded to the plot by saying, "I can't believe this.  This is becoming so easy.  We are the Tories, we are going to be rubbish and screw things up all kinds of new.  I thought it would have been harder to convince voters to come out and support us, but now I realise Gordon is just a big Labour self-destruct button covered in flesh and a suit that's not cut as well as the one my tailor hand made while I whipped him a gently."

Political expert Marcus Oakley said, "Saying that a secret plot to oust you as leader of the party a few months before a general election, the third plot to challenge leadership in less than 2 years, is a storm in the tea cup is like waking up to find your balls have swollen to space-hopper size and commenting that sitting down 'may be a tad uncomfortable'".

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Snow may cause cancer.

Women asks Pope, "Why won't you acknowledge our son?"

Universities to produce even more morons.

posted by The Ed at 8:54 AM

SNOW MAY CAUSE CANCER.

As snow continues to cause disruption all over the UK experts have warned that the evil white fluffy stuff may start to cause cancer because, "it's just that much of a dick."

"I will kill again".

Ray Barrs of Snow Studies UK said, "We are in uncharted territory here.  We haven't a few weeks of intermittent snow for hundreds of years.  We've delved into the history books and found anecdotal records of similar snow fall during the winter of 1787 but the last entry is the ramblings of a mad man and mentions canibilism quite a lot..."

"Could snow cause cancer?  That's what you're asking me, yeah?  Well why not?  If it cripples a national stronghold like British trains then it strikes me as pretty obvious that it can cause terminal illness."

Religious leaders have been bending events to fit Biblical text and are preaching of a snowy apocalypse to startled congregations.  Reverend Halladay of the Church of Latter Day Lunatics said, "It's all there in Revelations.  Don't read it though, just trust me.  It's clear what is happening.  God, the real God, the Old Testament God is punishing us for our sinful lives of not attending church and letting roof fund raisers fail.  Too many of us live like this and God will not take any more.  The only way we can appease God's wrath is to start ritualistically sacrificing all babies who have been born since the snowfall started."

The snow has affected rail services and has caused closures of schools, airports and hospitals.  In Hampshire the military were called in to deal with snowfall on a road and proceeded to "shoot it up a bit."  Andy McNab is expected to commemorate the operation with a novel by next week.

Government officials are worried that the public may act hystercially and make matters worse.  As one Government aide said, "There are a lot of idiots in this counry, after all."  Pat McEwen, a concerned idiot from Surrey said, "I swear, if that snow comes near my children I'll do time.  No ifs, no buts."

Dave Milling, 34, said, "If one more flake of snow falls from the sky it's anarchy.  I'll be straight down the high street looting for the essentials to tide me and my family through.  First I'll hit Argos for some High Def tellys and then onto the Apple store for one of those Macbooks."

Stuart Carlin called in from a car on the A3 to say, "I've been stuck on this road for 12 hours.  12 hours in a Punto.  I've got my wife and 3 kids...  And now I hears this stuff is going to give me and my family cancer... the gun I have only has 4 bullets in..."

Reports are emerging that an A-level Geography student has been burned on a stake as a heretic in Henley-on-Thames town square after telling everyone that the snow would melt.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Women asks Pope, "Why won't you acknowledge our son?"

Universities to produce more morons.

Simon Cowell declares himself world's 'jammiest bastard'.

posted by The Ed at 4:32 PM

WOMEN ASKS POPE, "WHY WON'T YOU ACKNOWLEDGE OUR SON?"

The women who wrestled the Pope to the ground during Christmas Eve mass in St Peter's Basilica has demanded that Pope Benedict acknowledge their 18 month old son.  Susanna Maiolo screamed at the Pope, "All he wants is to see his daddy on Christmas day!" before being dragged away as the Pope looked on, pulling his most sincere "I didn't do it" pose.

"It wasn't me."

Maiolo attempted to accost the Pope in similar fashion in 2008 but failed to get within grabbing distance as the Pope's guards on that day were 'much less shit'.  "I'll keep on doing this.  The night we spent together meant something.  It didn't seem like just another fling for me.  He took my number and treated me properly.  He didn't even slap me about while nailing me.  He was a proper gentlemen.  I thought we had a future together." said Maiolo.

"Of course, I realise that due to his work he can't declare our love from the rooftops of the Vatican but I expected better than this.  I woke up the morning after and he'd left without saying goodbye.  That was ok though, I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he probably had an important blessing to give or something stupid to tell the African world about AIDs."

"Then when I found out I was pregnant with little Benny I tried calling and writing as I thought his father should know.  I've heard nothing back.  It might have been ok for God to have a one nighter with a girl and leave some other mug to bring up the end result but that's 'cos he's the Almighty.  I can tell you for certain that Pope Benedict is NOT the Almighty, not with the performance he put in - if you know what I mean."

"I will not give up until he does the honourable thing; acknowledges our son and pays me a shit tonne of maintenance."

"Little Benny is definitely his, I will take the Pope through the court of Jeremy Kyle to prove it if need be, although I think anecdotal evidence should suffice when there is no real evidence... It's a little thing called faith.  I think Pope Benedict is familiar with it."

"The other day I said to little Benny, 'Son, there's a cloud dwelling power who made everything in this world in 7 days.  He will completely annihilate us all with floods or locusts or whatever if we step too far out of line.  But at the end, if we're all nice, he'll take us up into his house in the clouds where we'll hang about forever.'  At no point did little Benny say, 'Mum, you're talking nonsense, just listen to yourself for a second'.  What more proof does anyone need that this is the Pope's son?"

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Universities told to produce more morons. 

Simon Cowell declares himself world's jammiest bastard. 

Ben Fogle's house venue for world's wimpiest burglars convention.

posted by The Ed at 12:14 PM

MANDELSON ANNOUNCES PLANS TO ENSURE UNIVERSITIES CHURN OUT EVEN MORE ABSOLUTE MORONS.

Business Secretary and Dark Lord Peter Mandelson has announced cuts to University spending in a move to ensure that Universities produce a higher percentage of moron graduates than seen previously.

"I will eat your baby."

Mandleson explained, "This £533 million cut is punishment to the Universities for taking on all those extra students who couldn't get a job after we screwed up the labour market.  We would have much preferred those people on the dole.  They are mildly more expensive there in the short term, but long term they are much more likely to develop a heroin habit and end up dead on the street.  Instead they are now spending that student  money on fun, thinking they're the first people to ever get drunk 3 days running."

The cut is expected to impact directly on the delivery of courses meaning subjects will be poorly organised, offer lean materials and be delivered by strange little men who live in the hope that an 18 year old may sleep with them for a pass.  Some education experts believe this will be the case for nearly 90% of University courses now, instead of the current 75%.

"I would expect that the old classics will be sacrificed first.  The ones where you read books, discuss politics and the meaning of life and all that terrible stuff that forms 'opinions' in people.  After that all students will do courses that are purely vocational, blob through uni for 4 years and get in the queue with 7,000 other graduates for a minimum wage job." said Mandelson.

"The more morons universities churn out the better for everyone.  We've really really made a mess of things and worse is still to come when the other lot are let loose.  Isn't it better that future generations are too dumb and poorly educated to realise how extraordinary shit everything is?  I think the answer is a resounding yes."

Paul Aiken, a hopeful University Fresher in 2010 said, "I don't understand any of this.  Is it likely to affect my chances of joining an American style Frat House and chugging kegs?  If not, get out of my way - I've got an A level essay to buy off the internet."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Simon Cowell declares himself world's jammiest bastard. 

World's wimpiest burglars found in Ben Fogle's house.  

Tiger Woods focuses on shagging around.

posted by The Ed at 2:44 AM

SIMON COWELL DECLARES HIMSELF WORLD'S JAMMIEST BASTARD.

Simon Cowell is booking himself an extra special holiday this year after reaping the benefits of a Facebook campaign aimed at stopping the success of people like Simon Cowell.  The campaign succeeded in getting another song on the record label Simon Cowell represents to Christmas Number 1 instead of the one that would have done if the campaigners hadn't bothered making a Facebook group.

Sales of Rage Against the Machine's Killing in the Name reached over 500,000 in the Christmas number 1 week.  In the same period of the previous year the record sold only 13 copies, mainly due to very few children being suitably angry at their parents in the week running up to Christmas.  The sales boost represents a percentage increase of "an extra 14 days in the Bahamas, flights in an even swishier carbon ejecting jumbo jet, a penthouse room in the hotel that overlooks the penthouse of the second most fancy hotel, and a custom made Bentley on my return to the UK." explained Cowell.

"I really am a jammy bastard.  Aren't I?  I now firmly believe I could swim in a pool of shit and come out smelling of roses, sporting fantastic surgery altered pecks.  I could walk up to your wife after eating cloves of garlic say, "Come with me for a shafting" and she'd say yes.  If I bought a lottery ticket with a lollipop stick I'd win the jackpot."

"I'd like to thank the idiots who started this campaign for not doing any homework and failing to select a protest song my boss doesn't own.  Thanks to you guys we sold nearly 1 million records this week instead of half that.  Truly, this is a historic week in my musical history."

"It was such a simple premise.  Pit one bunch of stupid children against an other and let them decide who gets to number one.  Unusually the children who won here are a bit older, should know better and often smell quite bad.  I can't believe I didn't think of this scheme.  Not that it matters."

Rage Against the Machine rose to prominence in the early 90s with such politically charged songs such as "Things Suck Shit" and "Fuckity Fuck You, Bitch"  Lead singer Zak de la Rocha declared the chart victory as one belonging to "intelligent, spirit dwelling socio-anarchist-activists in both the UK and USA who understand and delineate the tensions and contortions of the modern Big Brother government freedom paranoia hunters."  When asked to explain exactly what that meant he elaborated, "FUCK YOU!  FUCCCCKKK!"

Ex Sex Pistol John Lydon offered his congratulations to Rage Against the Machine saying, "Well done that band.  Bravo indeed.  Maybe next year I'll see if the public will gulp down Anarchy in the UK again.  Well, I do love a great rock and roll swindle after all.  That and loads of moola."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

World's wimpiest burglars found in Ben Fogle's house.
Tiger Woods quits gold to focus on shagging around.
Owen discovers elixir of youth and plays alright.

posted by The Ed at 9:38 AM

WORLD'S WIMPIEST BURGLARS FOUND IN BEN FOGLE'S HOUSE.

TV toff Ben Fogle has described how he chased 4 burglars from his house.   Fogle was self deprecating about the incident saying, "I bet they thought 'Oh it's only TV's hunky looking, thinking woman's bit of all right' Ben Fogle, what's he going to do?  Talk posh at us?"

"But they soon scampered.  There was a scary picture of a dog behind me.  That's probably what scared them off.  I'm not saying my well maintained, perfectly sculpted physique and granite chin is what scared them off.  Although, it could have been, of course..."

For the benefit of people who have a job Ben Fogle hosts a variety of BBC mid-afternoon shows that no one watches because ITV and Channel 5 have chat shows featuring Neds on at the same time.  Ben presents, 'Ben's Cuddly Pets Hour', 'Fogle's Folklore' and 'Feebly Fogely', amongst others.

Pat McCann of the National Burglar's Union said of the incident, "There is no way those guys are accredited members of our organisation.  For one, we offer all our members extensive training in confronting all sorts of unexpected situations while on the job from angry farmers to wide awake old folks.  If those guys had went through our world famous training schemes there is no way a surprise Fogle would have sent them running.  They'd have tied that motherfucker to a chair and stuffed his Pringle socks into his mouth."

"That said, we appreciate there are 4 members of our profession out there, scared and without the protection of their union.  We offer an extensive programme in rehabilitation and trauma therapy and would like to hear from them.  All we need is their names, addresses of their respective gaffs and times when they won't be home."

Police are investigating the incident and have said they would like to hear from anyone who sees a group of men dressed in black and carrying swag backs.  Police warned members of the public not to approach the burglar's as they may be scared by loud noises.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Tiger announces break from golfing to focus on shagging around. 

Michael Owen discovers elixir of youth and plays 'not badly',  

Coven of bankers gather to burn effigy of bushy eye browed man.

posted by The Ed at 1:40 PM

TIGER WOODS ANNOUNCES BREAK FROM GOLF TO FOCUS ON SHAGGING AROUND.

Tiger Woods is to take an 'indefinite' break from playing golf to concentrate on getting laid, the golfer has announced.  The announcement is the first time Tiger has admitted being unfaithful after previously coining a great new euphemism for men everywhere when he called tooling around 'transgressions'.

Yup, I'd transgress that.

It is expected that the revelation will lead to Tiger's clean cut brand image being ruined and losing many of his lucrative endorsements.  Tom Heckard (41), a guy who buys stuff said, "This actually makes him border on interesting.  It wouldn't stop me buying a razor with the guy's face on the packaging.  But that's mainly because I'm not enough of an idiot to buy a razor based on the guy's whose face is on the packing in the first place."

Wood's statement read, "Now this is out in the open I can get on with getting serious amounts of action.  I've been living with all this pressure to be a good, clean living role model when what I really want to do is use my wealth and fame to make sure I have sex with a different woman every night.  And who wouldn't?"

"It's been a tough choice but after much soul searching I've decided that walking about with a bunch of old geezers whacking a golf ball 800 yards isn't anywhere near as much fun as getting my end away with a porn star."

Lawyers in the UK acting for Tiger have gained an injunction to prevent details of Tiger's alleged affairs appearing in the UK media.  The High Court judge granting the injunction said, "Have you people not heard of the internet?  Have your injunction, for all the bloody good it'll do."  The injunction represents a body blow to the tabloid press who were ready to roll out a whole bunch of golfing/shagging puns and plays on the name 'Tiger'.

Tiger had been under pressure to make a statement after being involved in a car accident last week.  For some reason that escapes me this accident led to a number of women claiming to have slept with the golfer.  Lesson to be learned is if you're having an affair and want to keep it a secret, best make sure you don't prang your car.  The road traffic report on the accident failed to mention whether the accident had been caused after the driver became distracted by a Playboy Bunny performing a charming trick with ice cubes in her mouth.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Michael Owen discovers elixir of youth and plays alright. 

Coven of bankers gather to burn effigy of bushy eye browed chap.  

Banks celebrate royally fucking you over, again.

posted by The Ed at 8:47 AM

MICHAEL OWEN DISCOVERS THE ELIXIR OF YOUTH.

Footballer Michael Owen has discovered the elixir of youth, it emerged after he played well in a football match.  The former England striker had been telling friends for weeks that he had 'found something big' while digging up his garden and proved it to the world last night when he scored a hat trick against Wolfsburg.

Saundra Prost, a football scientist, believes that the Michael Owen who featured last night is similar to the Michael Owen of a decade ago.  "Gone was the waif like tendancy for limbs to fall off on contact with other players, the ball and fresh air.  In its place was a willingness to hang around in the other team's box for 90 minutes, scoring goals against mediocre opposition.  It was a vintage Owen performance."

Owen said, "I found a vial with a potion in it while looking after my plantation of turnips.  You know me, I'm too relentlessly uninteresting to try an unkown substance.  So I popped a drop in the missus' tea instead.  Within a couple of seconds she started firming up in all the raggedy areas.  It was like watching that show 10 Years Younger, except at the end of the process she actually looked ten years younger."

"I retired to my study to think things over, knowing that with great potions comes great responsibility.  I did a few Sudoku's to clear my mind and had a look through my scrap book.  I noticed that the last thing I did that got nice headlines was years and years ago, the penny dropped and I gave the potion a go with some camomile tea."

Owen hopes his discovery can lead to an England recall in time for the World Cup and intends to send some of the elixir to retired Argentine Roberto Ayala in the hope that Owen can become the most over-rated footballer in the world all over again.

Sir Alex Ferguson was delighted with Owen's discovery and subsequent performance, "I'm dead proud for the lad.  He got his goals but it's a team game remember.  So I hope he's got enough spare to give to Giggsy and Scholesy.  With any luck he's also sitting on the elixir of not being completely guff and we can give that to Dimitar Berbatov. "

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Coven of bankers gather to burn effigy of Chancellor. 

Banks celebrate royally fucking you over, again.  

Man in charge of whitewash promises whitewash won't be a whitewash.

posted by The Ed at 9:51 AM

COVEN OF BANKERS GATHER TO BURN EFFIGY OF BUSHY EYE BROWED MAN.

A coven of bankers have gathered around stonehenge and set fire to a wicker effigy depicting a bushy eye browed fellow.  The pagan ritual occurred after it emerged Alisdair Darling is expected to announce a 50% tax on bonuses due to be paid to bankers at the end of the year.

The event also involved a ritual killing of a goat and drinking of the beast's blood while members of the banking profession dressed in body long black robes chanted ominously.  One participant said, "It was a really cracking night.  I haven't seen a lot of these guys for donkeys because we're trying to lie a bit low.  But it was just like the olden days, get together, kill an animal and laugh at all the schmucks who use our services."

Another said, "I haven't had this much fun since I got a bonus for being really shit at my job, bought a Ferrari and hit 100mph in a '20's plenty' school zone.  You should have seen the shocked looks on the faces of those futureless little runts."

The evening's centre piece was the torching of a 70 foot wicker effigy that had eyebrows comprised of scrunched up bin bags.  As thick black smoke plumed into the night sky the bankers rejoiced at the crumbling pile of ashes before shaking hands and hopping into a convey of various expensive cars that you and I could never afford.

Alisdair Darling said after hearing about the event, "I don't know what to do.  Please help me.  I had to do something to the bankers.  I was worried that members of the public who've lost jobs due to the recession would take to the streets and fire-bomb the high street banks."

"Now I'm worried a bunch of pissed off upper class people are going to kidnap me, tie me to a concrete slab and shove a broom handle up my cock before draining the blood from my body.  It really is quite a conundrum.  I never wanted any of this, I only entered politics to flip a few mortgages here and there and get my gardening done for free."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Banks celebrate royally fucking you over, again. 

Man in charge of whitewash promises whitewash won't be a whitewash. 

X Factory fans undecided as to who to bully next.

posted by The Ed at 1:16 AM

BANKS CELEBRATE ROYALLY FUCKING YOU OVER, AGAIN.

The Supreme Court has told anyone who has ever had a £40 bank fee to 'go and sing for their money back.'  In a landmark ruling the court upheld the appeal from a group of banks hoping to avoid paying back all the customers they've ever shafted.

Lord Philips said, "After careful consideration and taking delivery of several plasma TV screens from the banks it is this court's ruling that people who feel they have been excessively charged by banks for entering their overdraft can go take a long walk off a short peer.  Or as we say in Latin, drownus maximus."

The British Banking Association, who represented the banks, welcomed the ruling after a round of hi-fives and fist pumping directed to the public gallery.  "We understand that charging people so much for a screw up has been an issue for many of our victims, um I mean customers so are pleased to have the law clarified for all parties.  Especially because the clarification suits us.  I'm sorry, I just can't stop smiling.  Can you give me a second?  Hahahahahahahah.  There, I'm alright now."

 

"With this clarification we aim to swiftly sort out all the refund requests that are currently on hold.  As I speak there is someone hastily working on a 'Dear John, fuck you' letter.  We would also like to re-iterate that individuals can avoid charges by making proper overdraft arrangements in the first place.  All charges are clearly detailed in the section of the Terms and Conditions that is titled DON'T READ THIS BIT OR PUPPIES WILL DIE.  Alternatively, if you want to avoid charges why don't you just carry all your money around in a tin pot tied around your neck?"

Asked about the case at PM's questions Gordon Brown tried to spin the verdict saying he hoped it would boost consumer confidence in the banking system, "For consumers to have faith in the banking system they need to believe that the banks can abuse them in all manner of ruthless and monstrous ways."

Campaigner, Mark Gander said, "If I screw up on a direct debit I pay a hefty penalty.  If banks screw up the economy I... urm, pay the penalty.  I don't even care anymore.  As the average tax payer owns more of the banks than they're ever likely to have incurred in bank charges I'd end up paying myself back the fees anyway.  'Hello Mr Gander can we bother you for a bail out?  Um, do I get a choice?  No.  Um.  Ok then.  Now Mr Gander, here is all the money you paid in bank fees back.  Sorry about that.  Isn't this the money I just gave you?  Shut up'." 

"It's a situation that makes thinking about the complexities of life, time, God and the universe seem like something Wayne Rooney could succinctly explain in a sentence.  All I know now is somebody, somewhere needs a good kick to the stones."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Man in charge of whitewash promises whitewash won't be a whitewash.

X Factory fans divided about who to bully next.

Queen's speech outlines laws for fantasy world.

posted by The Ed at 3:54 PM

WHITEWASH WON'T BE A WHITEWASH, SAYS MAN IN CHARGE OF WHITEWASH.

Sir John Chilcot, the man in charge of the inquiry examining events surrounding the Iraq war has promised the report won't be a whitewash even though he was selected and is being paid by the warmongering bastards who warned that Iraq could 'nuke your granny into next week quicker than you could say education, education, education.'

Chilcot, a carer civil servant believes he is the man with enough backbone to report without bias and he doesn't mince his words saying he will deliver 'a full and insightful report'.  The tough talking desk warrior's report will not be published before the general election, however.

The inquiry is set to be published close to the end of next year in the hope that the press hype surrounding whoever wins 2010's X Factory will detract from the report.  Chilcot has stated no interim details will be released before the general election because 'they would make the Labour Party look really really bad."

"People with normal jobs not in the civil service seem to struggle to understand the delay in getting something like this done." said Chilcot, "But I can assure you I am actively drafting letters that will be checked by a team of subordinates, edited and checked again before being sent to an office in Whitehall to be enveloped and addressed, from where they will be outsourced to a specialised office in Wolverhampton for franking and double checking of the addresses, a process which will take less than 3 weeks and then they will be sent urgently by second class post to the apporpriate MPs."

"MPs then have 3 months in which to reply because they are very busy people.  They have mortgages to flip and luxury goods to claim on expenses.  While this inquiry is important you can't allow it to intefere with an MPs right to be a thieving cunt."

"I've even asked Tony Blair if he'd be awfully kind to come in and see me at some stage for a quick chat.  He says he needs some time to 'get his story straight but will turn up for integrity's sake, at some point'.  If this inquiry was going to be a whitewash we wouldn't bother asking such a charismatic and fully booked public speaker to take time off to come see us, would we?"

John Lehn, 37, a long term fan of whitewashes says he can't wait for the final whitewashing report to be available to get frustrated about.  "Oh, I'm a huge fan of whitewashes.  My favourite ones so far have been the David Kelly one and John Charles de Menezes.  They tease you into thinking there'll be some sort of justice then BAM!  It's full of cop-outs, flimsy logic and confidential information with big black pen through it.  Then it emerges how much the whitewash cost to produce and it leaves you feeling like you want to drag your face down a rough cast wall.  Brilliant stuff."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

X Factory fans divided about who to bully next. 

Queen's speech to outline laws for fantasy world. 

Information Commissioner advises calling T-Mobile staff and threatening them.

posted by The Ed at 11:06 AM

X FACTORY FANS DIVIDED ABOUT WHO TO BULLY NEXT.

 

Fans of X Factory finally got their wish after a pair of useless singing twins were voted off a show for useless singing people.  The pair had been so maligned by X Factory fans and the press that they had started to gain popularity over the past weeks, applying the well known "Goody Effect" of reality TV shows.

John and Edward Grimes left the show after Simon Cowell had decided he'd let the lucrative joke go on long enough stating, "I just don't have any more room for swimming pools.  I'd have to learn to walk like Jesus if I let this go on and while I could do that, I don't want to. Guys, it's over."

The duo had been named Jedward by a lazy as fuck tabloid press, a standard pop culture abbreviation form borrowed from busy doctors who sometimes refer to medical conditions such as lung cancer and Alzheimer's disease as Luca and Aldi's 'cos it sounds cooler.

Reality TV show expert Norman Keppler said, "When I heard Jedward had been voted off I was so excited I almost jumped off my chair and pumped a fist into the air.  But then I remembered I'm 24 stone and such an act would require either a Herculean effort or watching less TV and doing regular exercise."

Maureen Stow (42) an extremely bored housewife from Doncaster said, "At first I hated them, like everyone else.  But then people started liking them out of irony, sort of like Bon Jovi, and I got confused, so I started liking them.  But I'd already sent them a letter calling them 'useless cunts' and threatened to cut them from ear to ear if they won and liking them just didn't seem right.  I didn't want them to leave though, I've spent the last week shitting into a bucket so I can throw it at their house.  It seems such a waste.  Do you want it?"

Hugh Gladfelter said, "I love bullying 18 year old kids, saying they can't sing for toffee and slagging their hair cuts.  Since the local college got that restraining order on me I've been relying on X Factory to give me that outlet.  I know I should move on, bully someone else and get over it.  But I invested a lot of time slandering those kids, time I won't get back.  My life feels empty.  I suppose eventually I can learn to bully again, but right now I just feel numb.

The twin's singing even led Gordon Brown to comment on them being "not very good" but Government officials later confirmed the PM thought the question had been, "How would you describe your running of the country?"

Bookies favourites to be bullied next is Stacy Solomon as she's, "the only one who doesn't look like she belongs in a second rate 90s boy band."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Queen's speech outlines laws for fantasy world. 

Information Commissioner advices calling T-Mobile and 'threatening them some'.
Government closes stable door after horses bolt.

posted by The Ed at 10:34 PM

QUEEN'S SPEECH TO OUTLINE LAWS FOR FANTASY WORLD.

The Queen is expected to deliver a speech on how Gordon Brown is the greatest leader the free world has ever seen while outlining a set of fantasy laws that Labour will never have to come good on.

"But isn't that all just a load of codswallop?"

Tory leader and Prime Minister in waiting David Cameron has said the Queen's speech is a waste of time and nothing but a vehicle for political rhetoric adding that he "can't wait until next year when I get a shot of using the Queen as a ventriloquist's dummy".

The speech will take place at the official opening of parliament after the traditional pomp-laden ceremony takes place, including dressing like total chuffs, knocking the door, shooting the fox and flogging the underclass.  The Queen will be brought to animation in the hours before the speech and will be well oiled prior to the event to give optimum performance.  After the golden key is inserted into the silver padlock on the door of the formal docking chamber by the 12th removed cousin of the hirer of the official robes, the speech will begin.

The Queen is expected to open by saying, "You will never have to worry about anything ever again after seeing these laws.  Obviously if one outlined exactly how they worked other parties would go and steal them.  So one has been instructed not say too much on them.  You'll just have to trust the current Government.  Also, Gordon Brown is a dynamic mix of Jesus, Bono and Ghandi, definitely isn't doped out of his eyeballs, can go like the clappers and more importantly, didn't attend Eton."

The planned laws the queen is expected to outline are that the economic downturn will be solved 'somehow' so that everyone in the country becomes a millionaire the night after Labour re-election, the health service will be improved 'somehow' so that no one will ever die again, bankers will 'somehow' stop acting like bankers and God will be sorted out 'somehow' so that there are no more floods for local authorities to deal with.

Further bills set to be proposed are that everyone will have a satisfying sex life and can eat what they want without putting on any weight.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Information Commissioner advices violence against T-Mobile staff. 

Government closes stable door after horse bolts. 

Xbox gamers discover level called 'outside'

posted by The Ed at 12:29 PM

INFORMATION COMMISSIONER ADVISES CALLING T-MOBILE STAFF AND THREATENING THEM.

Information Commissioner, Christopher Graham, has condemned the 'paltry' fines that are available to punish people who criminally trade personal data, alternatively suggesting that perpetrators of such crimes are locked up with 'the biggest and baddest rapists and murderers Her Majesty's Prison Service has available.'

The stark suggestion came after details emerged of T-Mobile staff selling customer details onto third party brokers who then sold the data onto other mobile phone companies, who used the data to cold call customers.  Commissioner Graham said, "Everyone who has ever been cold called has my permission to call up T-mobile and verbally abuse them.  I'm sure this is something call centre staff will never have experienced and will ensure they never consider selling customer data."

"Also if you know someone who works for T-Mobile feel free to inflict some small degree of physical harm on them, something low level like a nipple twister or a noogie."

"This incident represents a huge dinner protection breach.  I've lost count of the amount of times my house phone has been cold called while I'm tucking into a sumptuous Waitrose offering.  The people who have caused this must pay!"

Marcus Barkley, a nutjob hailing from Wolverhampton, doesn't think the Commissioner's suggestions go far enough.  "Why should they go to a holiday camp like prison and expect people like me to pay for it?  Well, not people like me exactly, I'm on disability benefit you see - I got whiplash while having a go of some Go-Karts in Tenerife.  We should just string 'em up.  Hang 'em from lampposts and charge the public a penny each to see it.  That's what Brown's Britain should be about.  I tell you what, you'd soon get the economy working with all the revenue generated.  I need a lie down now."

Anne-Marie Glancy, a 25 year old T-Mobile worker said, "T-Mobile pay me minimum wage to take calls all day long from absolute idiots.  They sit me in cubicle on a floor that is the human equivalent of the sort of chicken coops that make Jamie Oliver's face go all wobbly with disgust.  I have to raise my hand to ask permission for a toilet break.  Would I think twice about making a quick buck at their expense?  Would I fuck."

"Does that justify it?  I think you're missing the point.  They have made me piss myself more times than I care to remember.  All bets are off when you have to take a change of undercrackers to work."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Government closes stable door after horse bolts. 

Xbox gamers discover new level called 'outside'. 

Perfect vaginas don't taste like beer.

posted by The Ed at 1:17 AM

GOVERNMENT CLOSES STABLE DOOR AFTER HORSE BOLTS.

The Government has announced plans to close stable doors everywhere after it emerged some horses bolted well over a year ago destroying acres of field and leading to a massive financial stimulus package to keep stables operating.

Stable Minister Lord Myners said, "We've realised the old idea of leaving stables open and allowing the horses to roam around doing whatever they liked has failed us.  It turns out that horses need regulation.  Without regulation horses only think of individual short term gain.   If you put a sack of feed down in front of a unregulated horse it eats the whole bloody lot.   Greedy mares."

Myners also outlined plans for reforming the heavily criticised Carrot Bonus Scheme for horses.  Top steeds such as Fred the Horse received millions of pounds of carrots,  angering many woodland animals who had their security and homes threatened by the steed's rampaging antics.   

"We are closing doors of the dilapidated barns that are left behind and will only reward horses with carrots when they have done something worthy.  Such as ploughing a field, winning a race, feeding the French or making some really good glue..."

Ronald the Rabbit is unimpressed with the plans, "In the last year I've had my field totally wrecked by out of control horses, they literally took the food off my table and now some idiot has came along saying he'll give them less carrots when just the mention of carrot makes me salivate... I'm a pretty tame animal but this seriously wants to make me start fucking some shit up.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Xbox gamers discover new level called 'outside'. 

Perfect vaginas don't taste like beer.

St James' park becomes Cash Converter house of crap.

posted by The Ed at 11:54 PM

XBOX GAMERS DISCOVER STRANGE NEW LEVEL CALLED 'OUTSIDE'.

Outraged geeks have attacked Microsoft after the company banned modified consoles from Xbox Live.  One geek said, "How dare they do this to me!  Yeah, I've bought a bunch of pirate games but I paid for the Xbox.  After that I should be able steal as many Xbox games as I like."

If you buy an Xbox this girl will totally come round your house, lick your controllers and have sex with you and everything!

Reports suggest that Microsoft banned as many as 600,000 Xbox Live accounts on the day the latest Call of Duty, a popular shooting people in the face franchise, was released.  This left thousands of Xbox gamers with nothing to do all day and many ventured into the outside world.

Sam Powell, a 35 stone, Dungeons and Dragons fan with a ponytail made from 60% grease said, "There I was 'BANNED'.  I wandered around my house and noticed this door I'd never seen before.  I went through it and found this incredibly well rendered environment."

"My first thought was to see how big the play map was.  So I thought I'd haul someone out a car and drive until I bounced off an invisible wall.  This didn't work well as everyone sped off when I tried to open their doors.  I figured if I had a gun of some sort I'd be more imposing.  So I found a shop and asked to buy a gun but the guy in the store told me to fuck off."

"To be honest, I've been called a lot worse by 12 year old Americans on Xbox Live, so that ended up being the least disorientating part of the whole thing."

Other gamers reported similar difficulties in adjusting to real life.  George Dewitt or 'Slay Master 8056' as he insists on being called said, "At first I thought I'd stumbled across some sort of cheat code or something, a secret level.  But the real world was so dull that I figured it must be a developer's tool hidden away in the game to help develop the game engine and the character physics, or something.  There was no one dressed as Nazis advancing on me, just people dressed in suits going in and out of buildings.  Weird."

One gamer reported that "I saw one of those things you see in games occasionally... those things with the long hair and the round bulging hanging bits from the pectoral region...  this one's hair wasn't as glossy and her bulging bits were nowhere near as bulging but on seeing it I just buckled over in the street and started shitting myself uncontrollably.  I don't know what came over me."

Mircrosoft have so far resisted pressure to reinstate the banned gamers.  Pressure has came not just from the gaming community but from the rest of the world who are already tired of answering question about what things are and how they work and can't put up with the smell of stale sweat any more.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Perfect vaginas don't taste like beer.

St James' Park becomes Cash Converter super emporium. 

Question Time really dull without the 'racist clown', say millions.

posted by The Ed at 2:34 AM

WARNING ON PERFECT VAGINAS: THEY DON'T TASTE LIKE BEER.

A report says that women undergoing surgery to make their vagina look more like a pint of cool, refreshing beer are doing so with a  'shocking lack of information' and a 'large dose of idiocy'.

The research published in The British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology states that the amount of operations to improve the appearance of the vagina are on the rise and goes as far to question the very notion of aesthetically pleasing genitalia.

"They don't call it bumping uglies for nothing.  When something starts off looking like the Predator's face what can you really do about it?  No amount of surgery would make Ken Dodd look like Brad Pitt.  So why bother?  Guys don't care what it looks like anyway, they'd put their penis in a pot of jelly if no one was looking." states the report.

The report went on to explain the dangers involved in the operation and warned that while the end product, "may look exactly like a beer, it does not taste anything like beer.  Sort of like Tennants."

 

Despina Tazelaar, who recently had surgery to make her vagina look like a pint defends the procedure saying, "I swear to God, like.  It was the best thing I have ever gone and did.  It's a bit sore when I pee.  Or have sex.  Or walk.  Actually, talking to you right now is making it hurt a bit.  But that's a small price to pay for all the extra interest I'm getting from men.  I'm hoping my perfect vagina gets me a man who buys me fur coats and diamonds."

The Institute of Plastic Surgeons also condemned the research.  A statement read, "These operations help utterly tragic women who are convinced that all their problems stem from the appearance of their genitals.  We do a simple operation and they feel better, until they find something else about their appearance to get insanely insecure about.  Something like, oh say, their foreheads?  Their furrowed, aging foreheads.  Just a  suggestion."

Inversely, it appears that 100% of men couldn't be happier with their genitalia.  Adam Kinser said, "Oh yeah, I love how my penis looks.  Sometimes I just stand there in the morning, butt naked in front of the mirror admiring it.  It's a real cracker.  Off the record... you don't have any of those pills that make it 58 times bigger overnight, do you?"

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

St James' park becomes Cash Converter super emporium. 

Question time really dull without the 'racist clown', say millions. 

Gordon Brown tries on old gimp suit.

posted by The Ed at 9:00 PM

ST JAMES' PARK BECOMES CASH CONVERTERS SUPER EMPORIUM.

Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley has taken the decision to make the club an even bigger laughing stock to football fans by agreeing a stadium sponsorship agreement with the UK's premier pawn broker Cash Converters.

The club, who play in England's prestigious Championship Conference Super Duper Division of Extraordinary Challenge, have agreed to rename the stadium cashconvertors.co.uk@stjames'park and allow the company to use parts of the stadium to sell unwanted DJ equipment and other tat.

Ashley confirmed, "Everyone knows I want to sell this god awful club. I popped into Cash Converters to see how much they would offer me.  They said they wouldn't touch it with a barge pole as they already had a bunch of financially non-viable clubs on the shelves and some of them even play in the big league."

"So there I was, wearing my Newcastle top with 'Shearer number 9' on the back, holding a pint in hand, looking a bit glum when the chap said we could maybe come to some sort of sponsorship agreement if I had enough ID on me to prove I wasn't a scaffing thief hawking some stolen goods."

This man owns a professional football club.  Not the one on the left.  That would be ridiculous.

"Cash Converters conducted some research and found that 99.9% of Newcastle fans are unemployed.  Jimmy Nail, Ant and Dec and me make up the other 0.1%.  They decided that the typical Newcastle fan is the perfect Cash Converters customer, not too bright, has a distorted sense of reality and is skint."

I know the fans will scoff.  But I don't care.  If a good team like Arsenal sell their stadium name then why shouldn't cack teams like us to do it?  Cash Converters are a company that have a similar business philosophy to Newcastle United.  They stock over-priced, unwanted junk and we spent nearly £6 million on Joey Barton."

"They also gave me a big old cathode tube telly and a Sega Mega Drive as part of the deal.  Newcastle are a really good team in Fifa 97, by the way." 

Newcastle fan Barry Neville, angrily said, "Ye wouldn't get this happening to a Liverpool or a Man Utd, man."  When it was pointed that Newcastle United's trophy room proved they were not a Liverpool or a Man Utd and that right now they weren't even, say, a Wigan Athletic, Barry had difficulty comprehending the statement and his head shook uncontrollably from side to side before exploding.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Question Time really dull without 'racist clown', say millions. 

Gordon Brown tries on old gimp suit. 

Liverpool to sign beach ball.

posted by The Ed at 8:26 PM

QUESTION TIME 'REALLY DULL' WITHOUT THE RACIST CLOWN, SAY MILLIONS.

Millions of people who tuned into Question Time last week to see Griffo the Racist Clown were disappointed this week when confronted with a really boring panel of guest who wanted to talk about non racist public policy.

Griffo the Racist Clown dazzled viewers last week with his stupid antics, insisting that anyone in the country who is less than 70,000 years old should be shot out a canon into space.  He highlighted his point by making an exploding canon noise.  Whenever the other panellists attempted to talk about a relevant political issue affecting people Griffo would interject by firing water at them through a poppy

Last night's panel consisted of a couple of expense fiddlers and a fat dancing bloke (not from Take That) but no Holocaust Deniers.

Damon Palmer, 42, said, "I really enjoyed that Question Time show last week. Griffo was the funniest idiot I've seen on TV since Richard Madeley did his Ali G impression while his missus' tit was out.  Ah, how I laughed.  But last night I watched 15 minutes of Question Time and was bored out my box so I flicked over to a Ross Kemp documentary, or a Ross-umentary as I like to call them, before watching the midnight 10 minute porn preview."

Griffo is suddenly in demand after last week's performance and the BBC have suggested they may invite him back to perform at future editions of Question Time while ITV are said to be in talks to bring Griffo on Thin Ice to the network.

Questions Time host Dimble Dave Umpleby apologised to viewers for the  latest broadcast saying "I am aware that having a panellist who used their job to steal lots and lots of your money is nowhere near as entertaining as having a loon or two on but join us for Question Time next week when the panel will consist of a cannibal, a Tourette's sufferer and a set of conjoined twins.  I'll be dressed up as the Mad Hatter and telling you all to jolly well piss off." 

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Gordon Brown tries on old gimp suit.

Liverpool to sign beach ball.  

Brown sends floating voters to Afghanistan.

posted by The Ed at 12:58 AM

GORDON BROWN TRIES ON OLD GIMP SUIT.

 

Gordon Brown has rummaged through his wardrobe to find the gimp suit he wore for 10 years and donned the garment in support of his old master Tony Blair's proposed Presidency of the EU Council.

The move was announced at a press conference where Mr Brown was poised on all fours before a seated Tony Blair who rested his feet on the Prime Minister's back.

Tony Blair said, "It's ever so smashing to have the support of all my old muckers as I try and become President of the EU, Master of the Universe and Dominatrix to all."

"Who else would I have had as chief gimp?  It had to be Gordon.  It's important to have a strong, firm politician to rest your feet on. It's amazing how quickly we've all fitted into our old roles.  Gordon glided into the tight black leather body suit so comfortably that it was as if he'd never been out of it."

"It was such an emotional moment I just had to lash him while he cleaned my floor with his tongue."

Mr Blair responded to criticism that someone who takes a country to an illegal war on the basis of lies should be tried for war crimes instead of seeking political pastures new.

"History has shown that maybe Iraq didn't really have the flying killer piranhas pointed at every UK citizen that I suggested they did have.  My bad.  That's all in the past now though, eh?.  As President of the EU I'd look to be a good guy who busts out some kicking riffs now and again.  Anyone up for a bit of Stairway?  I've been practising it lots lately and can just about play it..."

 

Mr Brown had his ball gag removed briefly to have his say, "All hail Master Tony!  There will be no control words this time around.  The messiah is back!  Hooray!  He's even promised me job of EU President once he's had enough of it..."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Liverpool to sign beach ball.

Brown sends floating voters to Afghanistan.

People with ears worry about re-release of Boyszone songs.

posted by The Ed at 8:19 AM

LIVERPOOL TO SIGN BEACH BALL.

Mid table side Liverpool are set to sign an inflated beach ball in January as cover for Fernando Torres after the beach ball impressed manager Rafa Benitez in this weekend's Liverpool vs Sunderland fixture.

The beach ball took up a predatory position in Liverpool's box and instinctively got on the end of someone else's shot, deflecting the ball into the Liverpool net and scoring the winner for Sunderland.  For many Liverpool fans the goal recalled images of a young Michael Owen, although the beach ball looks a lot more rugged and spent less time on the ground.

Benitez said, "I wash impreshed with ze beach balls contribution.  A beach ball with the short of qualities we shaw today is worth around 20 to 30 million in todayz market and we would look to bring the beach ball to Anfield in the January transfer window to help us push for a Europa League placshe.  Some people will shay thish is a lot of money, but thatsh the price of qual-it-ee.  Plush, the beach ball already has hish own Liverpool F-Shee kit so shaves us 40 poundsh straight off."

Liverpool fans have been surprisingly supportive of the move.  Crispin Scott said, "We've been linked with a move for Emile Heskey.  I think it was John Motson who coined the football phrase 'can't score in a barrel full of fanny' and that applies to Heskey.  The beach ball would score more goals than him over a season.  Defo.  So yeah - nice one Rafa.  The magician does it again."

Brian Connor said, "No one's getting carried away saying the beach ball would be a better proposition than Kuyt or Babel but it's obvious, even at this early stage, that the beach ball is better than David Ngog."

Manchester United fan, Morris Sullivan, said of the freak goal that sent Liverpool to their 4th defeat in 9 Premiership games.  "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha.  Title challengers?  Ah ha ha ha ha."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Brown sends floating voters to Afghanistan. 

People with ears worry about re-release of Boyzone songs.

Government look for old junk to ebay.

posted by The Ed at 2:03 PM

BROWN SENDS FLOATING VOTERS TO AFGHANISTAN.

PM Gordon Brown plans to send 500 extra forces to Afghanistan - but only if key conditions are met.  The key conditions are that they must be registered to vote but undecided as to what party they will vote for and have absolutely no military experience.

"Before I commit to sending these floating voters to Afghanistan I want to make sure they are equipped with the cheapest equipment money can buy, receive no training and be exposed to a highly determined and well equipped guerilla enemy.  If our boys could be blindfolded then that would be a bonus."

"You chaps decided who you're voting for yet?  I'd advise you to think very carefully about your answer..."

Brown defended Britain's continued presence in Afghanistan saying, "When the safety of our seats is at stake the Labour Government will not, cannot walk away.  This is the right strategy and hopefully we can commit more floating voters to Afghanistan in the future and maybe when they're all blown up we can find some Tory troops to sent out to the shit storm... erm I mean conflict zone."

Opposition leaders backed the platitudes Brown uttered about dead soldiers from the stupid war he's overseen but criticised aspects of Brown's plan.  David Cameron suggested it might be better to send a smaller number of well equipped soldiers instead of a large number of soldiers with Bench t-shirts for armour.  Brown dismissed the claims pointing out that the floating voters could use the "expired bodies of erstwhile comrades as a shield from bullets".

Nick Clegg, being allowed to speak by the bigger boys, said something about focusing on political reconciliation in the region and maybe getting Sting on board to sing some sort of song regarding the matter.  Brown had even less time for Clegg's suggestions saying, "I don't know what you've got to worry about - it's not as if any of these floating voters would vote for your lot any way.  It's not 2005 any more."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

People with ears worry about re-release of Boyzone songs. 

Government looks for old junk to ebay.  

Microsoft confirm Hotmail is cack.

posted by The Ed at 6:16 PM

PEOPLE WITH EARS WORRY ABOUT RE-RELEASE OF BOYZONE SONGS.

People with ears have raised concerns that there may be a horrible rash release of stale old Boyzone croons, after the death of singing man, Stephen Gately.  While many poignant tributes and condolences such as, ''that's quite sad when a young person dies, that is" and, "his family are probably really upset at the news" have been paid to 33 year old Gately, there has been a consistent and hectoring stream of voices saying, "God no - please don't let there be any Boyzone songs released."

This is what music looked like circa 1995.

Boyzone sold a ridiculous amount of records during the 90s, a period of music that was noted for truly awful bands like Boyzone selling a ridiculous amount of records.  The Irish boy band sold more records than Take That with a cunning plan of "copying everything Take That did and plodding on longer than them", according to music journalist Frank Leyton.

The band split up in 2000 releasing a statement saying, "We knew this day would come eventually - the day when there's no more shit in the barrel to scrape."  They then reformed briefly in 2007  as more songs had been written for them to cover and Take That had again led the way by showing that a come back tour could be highly lucrative as the group's fan base of tone deaf 14 year old females had matured into tone deaf 20 something year old females, with greater disposable income.

Frank said, "The sort of shady, music killing, money grubbing cunts who formed bands like Boyzone back in the 90s would think absolutely nothing of cashing in on the death of a member by churning out a single or two."

Louis Walsh has cancelled his appearance on this week's X Factory, after being "deeply upset by the news of Gately's death".

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Government look for old junk to ebay. 

Microsoft confirm hotmail is 'utterly cack'. 

Broadcasters demand Sarah Palin.

posted by The Ed at 4:19 PM

GOVERNMENT LOOK FOR OLD JUNK TO EBAY.

The PM has had a busy weekend rummaging around the county's attic for old junk it no longer uses that might be worth a few bob at auction.  The idea came to Gordon Brown after watching an episode of the BBCs Cash in the Attic.

Brown said, "I watched this one show where a family of four were able to go to Bulgaira on holiday just by selling loads of old Prinecess Diana memorabelia.  As the show says, you never know what hidden treasures you could be sitting on, so we've had a search and think we've got a good collection of items to sell that will reduce our budget deficit."

"Ideally we would like to have enough cash spare to build a conservatory too."

Up for sale is a bookmakers, bakers (probably) and candlestick makers (probably) as well as a bridge and Tony Benn.  "We've had a lot of interest in the bridge already from some displaced trolls looking to get on the trolling ladder." Brown said.

Economist Daly Stirling has criticised the proposals saying "Selling off tangible assets in a depressed market is about as thick as selling off gold when the world price is low.  And anyone with half a brain wouldn't make that mistake, would they?"

Brian Lewis from Preston, "This is all very well but now they're back from the summer break they get like they're bloody teachers or something I would prefer to know when the fuck they're going to start paying back all that money they fiddled from us with their expenses claims."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Microsoft confirm Hotmail is utterly cack. 

Broadcasters demand Sarah Palin.  

Fiona Phillips confuses Labour Party conference with set of Loose Women.

posted by The Ed at 8:34 AM

MICROSOFT CONFIRM HOTMAIL IS 'UTTERLY CACK'.

Microsoft has taken the unusual step (unless you're Microsoft) of admitting one of its flagship products is 'really not very good at all'.  The software giant said, "Sure Hotmail is a nonsense but what are you going to do about it?  Start writing letters to each other instead?  I'd like to see you try, lol." 

"Vista was shit, Internet Explorer is shit and now we've been forced to admit Hotmail is shit.  So what?  There are products out there competing for Microsoft's business, we know because that's where we get our ideas from.  But we also know that people who use our shitty search engine, Bing, will never find them."

 
Any excuse to use this picture.

The largest web-based email service has been compromised in a phising attack leaving around 10,000 users email address and passwords in the hands of nice people posing as Nigerian businessmen.  Microsoft said, "We've never not said Hotmail isn't as secure as a plasticine house.  We offer Hotmail users a lot more than security, with MSN we provide the opportunity to find out when one of your mates has done a really massive turd, or for the girls, who has a really heavy flow this month.  What other email provider gives you that sort of service?"

"We also offer our clients fantastic daily promotional offers via the junk mail section and put all the buttons for things you'd actually use in really awkward places so that our users experience a great feeling of achievement when they are able to successfully print off an email."

Jacob Colbert, an IT expert said that people only need be worried if they use the same password for every website, "I mean who would honestly be stupid enough to use the same password for on-line banking as they do for their email service?  Oh wait, this is Hotmail users, isn't it?..." He then made the sound of a bomb falling from a great height before  making a long and loud rumbling noise and shaking the table violently.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Broadcasters demand Sarah Palin.

Fiona Phillips confuses Labour Party Conference for set of Loose Women.

Nick Clegg gives us all a good laugh.

posted by The Ed at 8:19 AM

BROADCASTERS DEMAND SARAH PALIN.

The BBC, BskyB and ITV have released a joint statement urging the main UK political parties (and the Lib Dems) to endorse a concept seen in American politics, and have a televised Sarah Palin.

The statement read, "British political debate would be enhanced by following the lead from our American friends.  They have amazingly scripted TV debates over there, dodgy election results, multiple Bush Administrations and Sarah Palin.  In short, it's a lot more entertaining than what we've got.  We don't settle for Crossroads when Lost is available, do we?  So why do we settle for stale politics with wobbly sets and bad acting?"

"We've came so far, what with Tony Blair, M People songs and Boris the Clown but we need to push on.  Sarah Palin is the perfect embodiment of style triumphing over substance in politics and we have politely informed Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg that they are all extremely boring; a tremendousness turn off for TV viewers, and have urged them to enrol the services of Governor Palin to spice up the whole thing."

David Cameron and Nick Clegg were quick to express their willingness to be involved.  Cameron said, "She's a bit of 'all right', isn't she?  Top tottie indeed." with Clegg saying, "You wouldn't kick her out of bed for farting on biscuits.  That's for sure."

Characteristically Gordon Brown dragged his heels over a decision before finally saying, "Oh, ok then.  If everyone thinks it's something I should do I'll do it.  Personally, I think Sarah Brown is a better option than Sarah Palin.  She says I make great cup of tea and a wife saying nice things about her husband should be all the proof voters need."

"But if the people want Sarah Palin, they will get Sarah Palin.  She's a nice bit of window dressing, I suppose."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Fiona Philips confuses Labour party conference for set of Loose Women.

Nick Clegg gives us all a good laugh. 

PM reduces Britain's chance of nuclear superhero.

posted by The Ed at 3:39 PM

FIONA PHILLIPS CONFUSES LABOUR PARTY CONFERENCE FOR SET OF LOOSE WOMEN.

Former TV presenter Fiona Phillips used the Labour Party conference to explain how much she wants to sleep with a series of rather unattractive senior Labour politicians.

Philips took to the podium announcing, 'There's so many hot ass politicians in here today that I'm positively gushing.  I haven't been this horny since Michael Buble was on the GMTV sofa."

Beware aspiring politicians: this is as good as the groupies get.

"Take Alan Johnson for example, how hot is that man?  He's 6 foot 2, classically handsome like a Greek statue... but even better, he has arms... He comes in a room and lights it up with his wit and charisma... and I bet he's hung like a mule and can go like the clappers.  Phwoar should be Alan Johnson's middle name - I love him."

Philips then addressed non existent allegations that Johnson is a robot by stating, "Alan is real.  He's a real person who understands real people.  Really."

Noticing Jack Straw, who sat next to Johnson, was looking increasingly uncomfortable, Philips turned her attention to him, "Aw Jack, some people may think you're an old timer... but after a speech like you made earlier... you can show me a good old time any day."

Philips then went through each senior male member of the Labour party declaring whether she 'would' or 'wouldn't' them, finishing with Gordon Brown, "Of course I would... but I'd need a few beforehand."

TV critic Chas Albert defended the wisdom of having a woman who can barely  competently present a TV show speaking for a political party who are desperate to convince people they can run a country competently.  "It was a confidence boost for Labour.  Let's put it this way.  There'll be a lot of Labour politicians walking around thinking they're God's gift today instead of thinking they're old, fat, boring, slimy and are going to be out a job next year.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Nick Clegg gives us all a good laugh.

PM reduces Britain's chance of nuclear submarine. 

Attorney General has change of heart on immigration...

posted by The Ed at 2:28 AM