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WEATHERMAN SORRY FOR MAKING WEATHER INTERESTING FOR A SECOND.
August 18th, 2010
Tomasz Schafernaker has apologised to viewers after being caught making a weather report interesting for a split second.
The BBC weatherman was caught raising his middle finger to a colleague who introduced Schafernaker by joking that his report may not be ‘100% accurate’. When he realised he was on air Schafernaker reacted like every school boy who’s ever been in that situation and pretended he suddenly had a very itchy chin.
TV critic Mel Pilkington said, “Let’s hope the BBC learn a lesson here and finally STOP encouraging inane jokey banter between presenters and just tell them to do their bloody jobs. If I want to hear morons exchange what they think is comic gold dust I’ll just pop down to 1 of my 15 local Weatherspoons.”
Schafernaker apologised saying, “I’m sorry for any distress I caused by giving the impression a weather report may not have been as routinely dull as normal. Normal service was resumed immediately and I went on to deliver another perfectly professional 2 minutes of TV output you could sleep through.”
“To be honest I’m lucky I got caught doing this and not something they would sack me over…. Imagine I’d got caught on camera at Moria Stuart’s leaving do?
“I turned up and was told the licence payer had bought us 50 bottles of champers. I necked about 3 bottles before approaching the lifesize cardboard cut out of Moira from behind. I then proceeded to violently fist it around the middle section until my fist tore through to the other side. Only then did I realise it was actually a cut-out of Moira…”
“I then saw Moria at the back of the room in tears, from laughter I imagine. Christine Blakely was screaming ‘fist the old bitch to death. More jobs for us young ‘uns.’ What a night that was.
It is not the first time Schafernaker has embarrassed the BBC. Previously he had a slip of the tongue while saying “muddy site”. He also had to make a public apology in 2007 after reporting that the Western Isles and Highlands are full of ‘cragged faced cock munching monsters.’
He later elaborated that he only meant the women.
Daily Mail reader Pat Grimshaw was disgusted that Schafernaker’s weather report was broadcast by the BBC, “He’s definitely got a Polish name.”
DUCHESS OF YORK NOT QUITE DESPERATE ENOUGH TO GET A REAL JOB.
August 9th, 2010
The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, has revealed she is doing ‘everything she can’ to avoid bankruptcy, except looking for a ‘ghastly’ job.
Ferguson said, “It’s been awful. These past few months I’ve been living a hand to mouth existence in 5 star hotels. I feel I could write a beat tome on my experiences of waiting around grand entrance receptions waiting for Bell hops to come and collect my luggage.”
“Worse still, I’ve only been able to pay for that by pawning some cutlery I stole from the Queen last time she let me near the palace.”
“What do I do when the money runs out from that? God help me, I don’t want to put that nice black fellow Lenny Henry out a job by becoming such a good customer of the Premier Inn they ask me to put on a bit of lippy and be in their adverts.”
“But you know, needs must and his ass is grass if he’s coming between me, a pay cheque and a cut price bed for the night. Unfortunately the old Fergieliscious frame isn’t what it used to be and the offer of a bed for the night is not as frequent as it once was.”
“Right now I am so desperate I would consider doing anything. Apart from getting a job, of course. You know, one of those jobs where people get up, go somewhere and do something. I’d sooner roll over and die. Let’s maintain a sense of perspective here and not forget that I’m a Duchess. I’m not a run of the mill harpy; I’m a highly successful harpy.”
Employment expert Gnarls Hobdy said Fergie would find it difficult to get a job even if she had the urge. “With the current economic climate and people willing to kill their gran for a job we have a situation whereby highly qualified, experienced and skilled people are taking low paid jobs.”
“In other words, quality candidates are taking jobs below their level. There are many many adjectives to describe Sarah Ferguson but ‘quality’ is not one of them. Right now she’d struggle to get a job in Greggs.”
The Duchess was last in the news when it emerged she was trying to sell meetings with ex husband Prince Andrew for more than anyone in their right mind would pay for a meeting with Prince Andrew.
“I’ve learned my lesson not to exploit my family connections to dig myself out of the mess I’ve found myself in. Say, how much would you pay, right now, to sniff one of my daughter’s bras? I can get a hold of them, you know…”
TORIES REVEAL THEIR DARKER PURPOSE.
July 26th, 2010
The new Conservative government, with minor supporting performances from the Liberal Democrats, has continued to plunge Brits into a new dark age, promising a life “nasty, brutish and short – for everyone who doesn’t have a nest egg.”
Recent government strategies have included turning off speed cameras, highlighting the expense of diabetes treatment while urging people to ‘beat those with ‘betes’ and setting up bear traps with bottles of Buckfast as bait for unsightly youths in town centres up and down the country.
PM David Cameron explained, “We’ve had a look at the books and decided there’s not enough to go round. The best way to change this is thin out the numbers some. So with that in mind council budgets will be slashed and speed cameras turned off.”
“I don’t think anyone will object to that. We all know how much of a nuisance it is to get a ticket on your Bentley for driving at 60mph past some awful comprehensive primary school in a godforsaken village.”
“It’s also been brought to my attention that medicine for diabetes accounts for 7% of the total NHS prescribing budget. That’s an astronomical cost, especially when you consider no one I socialise with has diabetes. Given that statistic, you have to wonder: is diabetes a real illness?”
“The Labour government of before molly-coddled people too much. In tough times people have to toughen up. After surviving a few high impact car smashes you’ll wonder what you were ever scared about.”
“And people are never going to get better if all you do is give them medicine when they get sick. If you cure every whim instantly there’s no deterrent not to get ill in the first place.”
“George, my fantastic and able mathematician, has worked out that if we can half the amount of people in the country that means double the money for everyone else who pulls through the Mad Max type wasteland I envisage delivering the people of Britain. These population cuts are going to be hard on everyone, not least the maimed and debilitated, but they are entirely necessary due to the excesses of the previous administration.”
“As for the bear traps, the rustier the better.”
CLARKSON RAGES AT GERMAN MOTORWAY PARTY.
July 19th, 2010
Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has launched a tirade against a German cultural party being held on a motorway. Misery guts Clarkson is upset that the party, attended by 3 million people so far, has stopped people driving places very very fast while listening to Phil Collins.
“It is outrageous”, said Clarkson. “Human rights are a load of old codswallop, obviously, but isn’t this an infringement on the human rights of people who like to go so fast their cheeks wobble unflatteringly?”
“For us types the Autobahn in Germany represents the last bastion of human freedom away from the nanny states and PC gone bonkers. There I can drive as fast as I like and the speed police are powerless to stop me.”
“I should be able to do 140mph in a 20mph school zone if I want. I’m Clarkson! However, Clarkson is born free and everywhere he is put in chains. So the Autobahn and its lack of speed limit is the only place on earth I’m allowed to roam free as nature intended, in a Lamborghini Diablo.”
“And what sort of culture can the Germans be celebrating anyway? You just know they’ve stopped people racing around for the world’s most boring party. They’ll be wandering around in lederhosen, stroking each other’s ridiculous moustaches, drinking beer from oversized tankards and, quite probably, discussing their next holocaust.”
“Well I suppose the only positive is that now is a good time to book a holiday. If all the Germans are clogging up the Autobahn in Germany I’ll be able to get a sun lounger at poolside.”
“I need to go lie down for a bit. My meds make me dizzy.”
PLAN TO HALT DEAD SOLDIER PRODUCTION BY 2014.
July 19th, 2010
Sergeant Cove looks for a better spot to hide his platoon for the next 4 years.
A leaked document suggests the British Government is aiming to halt exports of doomed soldiers to Iraq by 2014.
Doomed soldiers have been Britain’s biggest foreign export since 2003 when Tony Blair and Gordon Brown shrewdly spotted a gap in the Iraqi marketplace for ‘working class grunts to fight illegal and unwinnable battles with pissed off local insurgents.’
Defence Secretary Dr Liam Fox refused to confirm the leak, “Part of the role of Defence Secretary is to swan around acting like I’m James Bond. On that note, this is all top secret, hush hush. I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you etc.” After taking a sip from his Martini, Fox continued:
“However, I would like to point out that Britain has always suffered from small man syndrome internationally. We’re like one of those comically short and rotund bouncers on the door of shady nightclubs. Look at us the wrong way and we will crack your skull open.”
“Any clumsy exit strategy from one place will be followed with a clumsy invasion strategy of somewhere else. The aspiring British soldier can rest assured that by the time we’ve left Iraq in an unstable mess we’ll already be going through the whole rigmarole with some other tin pot nation.”
“In the MoD we’re taking bets already. I’m going for an accumulator of invading Iran by 2017, the public justification being something to do with Iranian dragons being able to burn your morning toast within 10 minutes of taking to the skies and David Cameron to say ‘God made me do it’ by 2020.”
“If that comes up I stand to be a very rich man, even for a Tory.” said Fox.
The news was treated with widespread appreciation by troops in Iraq. Mark Kerr, 21, said, “Oh, so we’re committing to only another 4 years of chronically ill equipped warfare? That’s great news. I’m as happy as I was when I signed up to work in the zoo and was given a teaspoon to muck out the elephant house.”
Meanwhile, 4 British servicemen have died in Iraq over the weekend but it definitely had nothing to do with them having toy guns and the ability to make the noise ‘ak-ak-ak-ak’ in response to enemy gunfire.
APPLE OFFERS FREE SHINY GUILLOTINE TO IPHONE 4 OWNERS.
July 16th, 2010
After finally admitting the iPhone 4 has a problem that renders it redundant as a phone, Apple have decided to offer every iPhone 4 owner a shiny guillotine to cut their hands off with.
Apple boss Steve Jobs unveiled the offer at a press conference called after continuing complaints that the iPhone 4’s signal disappears when it is held. In a hand. Hands that humans have. That they use when they make phone calls.
Jobs said, “Nasty uncool people out there, using PCs and Internet Explorer no doubt, have been saying we’ve been ignoring the problem. That’s simply not true. We’ve only recently become aware of the scale of the problem. It has taken a while for a lot of iPhone 4 users to get in touch with us about this problem. You know, on account of us selling them a phone that can’t make phone calls.”
“Who wants to make phone calls anyway? They’re not cool. Do you think Bono makes phone calls? Not a chance. He’s too busy rocking out and staying cool for that old fashioned jazz.”
“All smartphones have antenna and signal issues when held a certain way. Take this Blackberry I have here, for example. Now watch as I immerse it in this fish tank and try and call a fashionable friend. Say, Chris Martin of Coldplay – who are a really cool band, by the way. See, when held underwater this Blackberry doesn’t make calls either.”
“Nevertheless, we’ve decided to offer a stainless steel shiny guillotine to every iPhone 4 owner so that they can cut their hands off and then enjoy full iPhone 4 functionality.
“Here’s the genius part: the iconic Apple insignia is a solar panel that powers the guillotine so that customers don’t end up in the position of cutting one hand off and thinking, ‘how do I get rid of the other hand now?’ Our product design team and engineers really have thought of everything – this time.”
Lawrence Pickwitt, an Apple fanatic said, “I can’t wait to, literally, get my hands on this product. It’s shiny. It’s got some sexy sharp edges. And it’s free! I love Apple. I’m an individualist, you see. Buying Apple is a statement about me. Here I am; I’m unique. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and camp outside the Apple store before tens of thousands of other people get the same idea.”
Jobs also took the opportunity to reveal his next project. “For my next trick I am hoping to revolutionise everything again by making an iPod with headphones that don’t work when they come into contact with ears.”
“People will like what I tell them to like. And considering I’ve heard Take That are going to release a new album with Robbie Williams, I expect this new iPod to fly off shelves.” said Jobs.
O’LEARY APOLOGISES FOR ‘RYANAIR IS AN AIRLINE’ ADS.
July 15th, 2010
Warning: this man runs a business where PEOPLE DIE if things go wrong.
Ryanair Chief Michael O’Leary has been forced to apologise for running a series of advertisements that suggest the company provide people with flights to worldwide destinations.
The company were forced to take out full page adverts in The Guardian and Daily Telegraph explaining the retraction. The advertisements are expected to have been seen by at least 38 people.
Although The Guardian and Telegraph are often discarded in the gutter a potential audience of thousands could have seen the ads, if the papers were discarded in busy, prominent locations and at the exact page of Ryanair’s statement.
The statement read, “We are happy to apologise for erroneous claims that we are an airline. The fundamental obligations of an airline to its customers are to get them from A to B with minimum fuss and ensure they get there in one piece.”
“Our flights often go from D to B, after the flight from A was cancelled with 5 minutes notice and are always on the verge of crash landing in C. Our staff try to sell you all sorts of guff merchandise while making threats to ‘bust up’ your children and we often have to apply garden shears to the fingers of passengers, dug so deeply into the hand-rests they are.”
“After careful consideration we have decided not use the term ‘airline’ in any future advertisements and will instead be re-branded as ‘Ryanair: the low cost flying doom merchants’”
Meanwhile Sir Stelios Haji-Ioanno, owner of fellow budget flying doom merchants Easy Jet, has been exonerated for claiming Michael O’Leary is a ‘deranged and dangerous leprechaun nuisance’ in an ad after a court found the statement to be entirely true.
ROBBIE WILLIAMS CONCEDES THAT HIS INDIVIDUAL POPULARITY IS NON-EXISTENT.
July 15th, 2010
Take That pre William reunion.
Former fat dancer Robbie Williams has admitted for the first time that he is an expired brand in his own right and the only way he’ll ever enjoy another solo number 1 is if he eats all his words over the past 15 years and goes crawling back to the pop group that made him famous.
Luckily for the Take That group dynamic and those all important nostalgia ticket sales, after Williams eats all the bitter words that he has aimed at Gary Barlow since 1995 he will be fatter than ever.
One 28 going on 13 year old girl woman said, “ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh I can’t wait !!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhh”.
A more coherent but equally idiotic fan said, “This is the best thing ever. To know that Robbie is back with the band gives me a sense of fulfilment I’ve never been able to find in family, friends, lovers, my career or in myself. Without Take That I’d be concerned that my life would be as vacuous, destitute and pointless as it appears to be to everyone else.”
After members of Take That made comments regarding how good it was to have Robbie back bookmakers slashed odds on a Take That Christmas single being released with a title that refers to the reunion. “Home” is 2/1 favourite with “Belonging” priced at 6/1 and “Like a Battered Old Pair of Slippers” an outsider at 50/1”
A spokesman for Bet Said Fred said, “There’s some real value to be had here. “Prodigal Son” is priced at a very generous 16/1 on account of the association being a little bit too complex for the average Take That fan. But keep in mind that this Take That are pretentious old knobends who wander about some hills with a bit of stubble and carry guitars as if they are actually in a real band instead of an ageing boy group.”
Williams has privately confided to friends he hopes a short reunion will boost his ailing status as a pop star. A source close to the cheeky chappy said, “Rob has realised that all that whining he did when he was mega famous about being unhappy because he couldn’t find someone to love him for the huge egomaniac he is is nothing compared to how unhappy he is about no-one being interested enough in the crap songs he churns out to invite him to be involved in such cringingly self-indulgent interviews.”
“He hopes this reunion is a success so he can leave Take That in acrimony all over again, look like a tit by trying to hijack whatever alternative cult music fad is going on at the time, somehow shift a lot of records in the process and get to call Gary Barlow a ‘mong-spaz’ live at the Brit Awards. That’s his dream.”
Regardless of the motives fans of Take That are hoping for a long and successful reunion while fans of music are hoping that their ears fall off before any of the new material is released.
99P DRINKS AND LARGELY FORGETTABLE SEX TO GET MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE, SAYS CABLE.
July 15th, 2010
Business Secretary Vince Cable has warned that the expense of a glorious university lifestyle of cheap booze and even cheaper skanks will ‘almost certainly’ rise.
In his first key speech on universities, Mr Cable set out a number of radical measures including a proposal to replace the current student loan system with a graduate tax scheme.
Cable explained, “Students who make most use of the first rate 99p drinks and sexual opportunities offered at university will pay the most tax.”
“Some people study hard at university and may even leave having had less than 30 sexual partners – Nick Clegg, for example. Those who work hard and keep it in their pants every now and again will find this tax a much fairer system than the current system where everyone pays the same but some people have way much more fun.”
“The students who will be affected most are those drunken studs that turn up to lectures a few times a month with hickeys all over their necks and trundle through for 4 years before leaving with an entirely pointless 2.2.”
Professor McKenzie of London Southbank university said, “It is true; for a lot of people university is about how cost effectively one can do lasting damage to their liver and how many strangers can be coaxed back to a mangy student flat.”
“From my own university experience of sexual encounters, I would estimate that 50% of parties involved found them to be completely forgettable.”
“I’d gladly pay a tax on that period of my life, being, as it was, the best time of my life. It was fun and exciting and consequence free. Now when I get blitzed on awful Student Union house Vodka and nail some first year lass who’s too drunk to know her own name it’s a whole big nightmare and there’s talk of my job being taken off me, and suchlike.”
Tarquin Quinlivan, a prospective Philosophy and Theology student said, “My parents won’t put a price on my education. Going to university is the only way they’ll ever get me out the house. I have christened my room the ‘batcave’”
“Heck, if you can promise me 4 years of forgettable sex I’d even go as far as to get a part-time job and help fund myself through it. ‘Forgettable sex’ is an enormous upgrade on ‘occasionally memorable wanking’.”
“Oh, did I tell you? I’M BATMAN!”
NEW RESEARCH SYMPATHISES WITH FATTIES.
July 8th, 2010
New research has come to the defence of fatties by claiming that it is not a lack of exercise that causes them to get fat. The research states that getting fat causes fatties to become inactive and gorge their fat faces full of Jaffa Cakes and empire biscuits.
“Fatties! It’s not your fault!” said Dr Tierney. “Being the weak human beings you are means you see a little bit of chubbiness developing and instead of getting off your backside and going on a jog like a resolute person would you allow this to negatively affect your body image, lock yourself into a larder and say things to friends like ‘You know what would be cool? If McDonalds delivered’.”
“When I say friends I mean other fatties you play Dungeons and Dragons online with and not real life friends, obviously.”
Michael, a 14 year old fattie from Bournemouth said, “This research is good news. I am sick fed up of people shouting to me, ‘Michael Moobley, give us a FAT song’. I even contemplated doing some exercise, in the darkest moments. Now I can print this article, get it bound and show it to the bullies. My life is sure to be better. You know, until I keel over with a massive heart attack on my 21st birthday.”
Michael’s parents were also relieved by the findings. “I’ll be honest, there were times I thought maybe we were responsible for the wheezing fat mess that is our son. I wondered whether bribing him to behave with fast food had contributed to his massive gunt. But now I’m exonerated I’ve booked a gargantuan Dominoes for Sunday so I can sit and watch the World Cup final in peace.” said Dad.
Further claims by the research are that 99% of fatties are ‘not fat but big boned’ and that being fat ‘just means there’s more to love’.