This week The Tangent’s Wikipedia page was SAVAGELY altered by somebody or SOMETHING, although probably somebody… The alteration claimed the Tangent had died. The edit said the Tangent passed quietly in the night while watching rolling news stations waiting for something to happen.

This lie upset many people. Until the situation was resolved a national outpouring of grief not seen since Princess Diana convinced Henri Paul to let her have a quick go of a Mercedes was brewing.

Vernon Kay, himself a recent victim of an incorrect Wikipedia article stating he’d died, called to say, “Ee up. I was gutted, absolutely gutted when I heard The Tangent was dead. I said to Tess, I said to her, Tess - I’m absolutely gutted that The Tangent is dead.” The altered Wikipedia article about Kaye’s death was the suspected work of Les Dennis.

Vernon Kay. Before: a twat. After: a twat with a haircut.

Dennis once hosted Family Fortunes, the show Kay now hosts. It is believed that Les Dennis saw the roaring success of crackpot Noel Edmonds TV comeback and thought he’d be in line for a return to Family Fortunes and stardom if he only he could get rid of Grannie’s wank rag Vernon Kay. Dennis’ CV was submitted via email only 47 minutes after the Wikipedia article went online, experts reckon this is how long it would take for an old person like Les Dennis to open a new window, log into his email account and attach a CV to an email.

Dennis has not yet been implicated in the altered Tangent entry but police refuse to rule out any possibility at this stage (even the ridiculous notion that a liquor fuelled Tangent editor himself edited the entry). Police have asked the Tangent to supply a list of people that the Tangent has possibly offended in the past two years. The Tangent is working on this list and hopes to have it completed sometime before the New Year

The article has been restored so that it is close to the original truthful entry. However, Tangent lawyers have been consulted about the non removal of the statement claming the Tangent to be ‘a lazy, scruffy hobo.’

TANGENT TIPS ON BEATING THE CREDIT CRUNCH

Alcohol is an expensive part of most people’s budget yet is a vital part of temporarily escaping a miserable existence. Save money by drinking screen wash, it has a higher alcoholic content than Tennants lager and doesn’t taste as bad.

Don’t bother feeding your children. You can always make more during a more stable economic climate. If they fall ill then the NHS will force-feed them for FREE on your behalf and if Kate and Gerry McCann didn’t get charged with neglect then you’re hardly likely to.

Don't pay your TV License. You'll only encorage them.

Fake your death in a canoe accident and disappear to Panama while your other half claims the life insurance.

Food prices have ROCKETED. When shopping remember to buy in bulk, don’t shop on an empty stomach and that it’s ok to shoplift from the major supermarkets as they can afford it. Also, try growing your own vegetables in your garden. They may go on to win Olympic gold at the paras and bring in lucrative sponsorship deals.

You’d be amazed how much one-night stands trust you. Before you bugger off in the morning have a rummage through the person’s wallet/purse.

If you own lots of houses and are facing crippling mortgage repayments on properties you don’t actually spend anytime in maybe it’s time to sell one, you greedy cunt.

Price of a litre of petrol = £1.15.
Price of a packet of strong mints = 40p.
Price for half a metre of plastic tubing = 50p
Price of jerry can = £3.99.

Sweet taste of success in your mouth as you siphon next doors petrol = Priceless.

If you’re a smoker, dowt pick.

Instead of buying stamps just draw a rough caricature of the Queen in the top right hand corner of letters.

Energy prices have been HIKED by lots of percents. Instead of using central heating why not line your walls with sleeping bags, replace windows with bricks and wear 14 jumpers? Also, instead of turning on lights wear a miner’s hat.

If you have a workforce sack them all citing ‘global economic factors’.

Replace your Polish gardener with one from out with the EU.

Stop wasting your money on shit.

Make new outfits by piecing together clothes you don’t wear any more.


Find a credit card with a 0% interest rate for an extended period then apply for it in a false name.

Always thought you were too good to sit on a street corner and beg for spare change? Maybe it’s time to rethink that policy.

KNIFE CRIME SPECIAL

Have you seen a knife? Probably. Nowadays it’s almost impossible to walk down the street without some bam waving a knife in your face.

In the past month Britain’s bloody streets have played stage to 200,000 knife attacks, involving 349,622 knives and a total loss of 4,569,832 Litres of blood (a staggering 52% of which was ‘o negative’). One startling statistic revealed that stabbing accounted for 45% of all activities conducted by Brits.

As usual The Tangent has the solution, a simple, full proof solution. The answer is to arm every innocent law abiding citizen with a bigger knife than the knife carrying hoodlums that bring terror to our streets.

Campaign ‘Call That A Knife?’

If the thugs knew that the people whose lives they are out to ruin were packing more heat than them they’d soon lay down their weapons and call for an armistice. They’d probably also lay off the skag, stop listening to boom, boom, boom music and get a good honest, back breaking job. National service would be a good idea too, with hanging for those who refuse.

The Tangent is aware that these measures may be seen as a bit ‘right wing’ or ‘draconian’ or ‘bat shit insane’ by some quarters. But to these quarters we say, sometimes the only way to fight fire is with fire, the only language some people understand is violence and you can’t get better than a Kwik-Fit fitter.

CRIME FROM SPACE!

Gordon Brown has backed a report suggesting that online maps should be used to display crime patterns. The report stated that people feel ‘too distant’ from the justice system and recommends analysing crime from a distance as great as space is the way to resolve this.


Crime: as seen from space.

The Tangent took to the streets (well, we sort of live on the streets) to gauge public opinion for the proposal:

David Agnew, some local geezer said, “I mean, I’ve personally never been a victim of crime nor has anyone I know but it’s plain to see that crime is everywhere.”

A map of Britain, the redder areas denoting the highest crime rates.

Mrs Sandford, 82, took time out from doing nothing to tell us, “Well I’m keen to see crime reduced but I’m not sure about this. Would you need an internet? They can steal your identity on those things. My friend of 50 years, Mrs Smith, had that happen to her. I went round one week as it was my turn to get the Woman’s Own and poor old Mrs Smith didn’t have any identity anymore.”

Women’s Own: scientifically proven to contain more pap than The Tangent and not nearly as much discussion about being on the rag.

Mike Monaghan, 34 said, “The problem is that prisons are like holiday camps. We don’t need to spend loads putting fancy satellites in space we just need to bring back hanging, like we had in the good old days of Ricketts and syphilis.

A modern prison.

In other news, a misleading headline in a Tabloid newspaper suggesting aliens are set to launch a crime wave has seen average Americans go wild and kill each other in the streets and conspiracy theorist release a collective 'we told you so' statement. Whoops.

NHS INVOLVED IN HIGHER PURCHASE DEAL WITH THE ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND

The Royal Bank of Scotland has purchased a revolutionary new scanner on behalf of the NHS. The details of the deal are reproduced below but it is hoped the £4 million scanner, which captures detailed images of organs, will improve speed of diagnosis and liven up Royal Bank of Scotland Christmas parties.

Your days are numbered.

The particulars of the deal:
The NHS gets to use the equipment 75% of the time, RBOS 25%.
RBOS staff are to be given priority over NHS patients waiting to be scanned by the device.
The NHS pays 0% interest for the first 13 months*
The NHS enjoys cheap tacked on benefits such as 2 for 1 meal discounts in thousands of restaurants**, discounts on compact discs and cassette tapes*** and free travel insurance****
*****

*2.5% arrangement fee, interest is 29.9% thereafter.
** for thousands read ‘hundreds’ and for restaurants read ‘Weatherspoons’.
*** only applicable to Val Doonican recordings.
**** when traveling to Stornoway and Tiree from Heathrow Airport on a Tuesday.
***** the NHS is at risk of repossession if it fails to keep up with repayments.

Critics of the deal say that it contradicts the NHS philosophy of free and equal access at the point of treatment for all however those involved in the deal or directly benefiting from it suggest otherwise.

Dr Allen at the Edinburgh hospital where the scanner shall be used (75% of the time) says that the principle of the NHS offering equal access to treatment has long been chipped away at. “You only have to spend a few minutes on an NHS ward to realise that the majority of people taking advantage of NHS treatment and resources are poor people, even in somewhere as blatantly posh as Edinburgh. Rich people can’t get a shot because the poor have a monopoly on ill health and therefore NHS services, in what way does that suggest equal treatment?”

Dr Allen of Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.

A senior executive of the Royal Bank was also available to defend the deal. “This is not the first time the banks have provided public institutions with equipment. For example, since the ‘bank charges’ case went to the High Court we have purchased many large plasma screens to kit out the country’s courts with and will continue to do so for as long as that case is delayed. This scanner will help the NHS make better diagnoses of disease. If only one person is saved through this equipment and then goes on to get into debt then this machine will have been worth it.”

Other bank/public body link ups due:
Abbey National to fund maths lessons in comprehensive schools (Outgoings>incomes = CREDIT).
Barclays to buy £2million of computer equipment for councils in exchange for green belt land.
Llyods offer £1 million to renovate Job Centres and to train staff to promote loans to the unemployed.
Northern Rock to buy a stapler and hole punch for HM Revenue and Custom in exchange for their file to be ‘lost’.

RBOS refused to comment on rumours that the purchase suggests some high ranking member of the organisation has a difficult to diagnose condition and that the bank are working on efforts to adapt the equipment for the purposes of credit checks.

WWE DEFEATED BY WWF

World Wrestling Entertainment has failed with an audacious bid to reclaim former acronym WWF from the World Wildlife Fund. The wrestling organisation previously went by the name World Wrestling Federation which was often abbreviated to WWF on merchandise. The World Wildlife Fund forced the wrestling company to change to WWE so that the promotion and preservation of large dumb mammals wasn't confused with the work of the wildlife fund.

Always on the lookout for a quick link up buck (step forward Mr T, Mike Tyson, Kevin Federline and Floyd Mayweather) the WWE approached the WWF about a glamour wrestling extravaganza between both organisations to decide who gets to use the WWF acronym. WWE hoped to settle the issue by arranging a steel cage match between icons of both camps.

The WWF admitted that it was sick of the WWE ‘trash talking’ the wildlife organisation but rejected the idea on the grounds that forcing an animal to wrestle a man in a steel cage amounted to animal cruelty. Upon removal of the steel cage condition the WWF was satisfied that there was no cruelty involved and a deal was struck.

The fight took place last night in New York’s Madison Square Garden in front of a packed audience. Hulk Hogan represented the WWE’s interests while a panda called Boomy represented the WWF.

For a while the fight looked as if it would be a farce as the aging, clumsy beast sat in the corner of the ring seemingly content to scratch his arse and keep an eye on his young. The panda didn’t look too interested either. (Yes, that’s the punchline from the first paragraph. If you’d like to avoid being subjected to the same jokes over and over again best go watch The Catherine Tate show. Oh wait…).

Hulk Hogan’s lawyers have informed The Tangent that any dubious innuendo about Brooke being better in the ring than her dad will be punished by a lawsuit and a leg drop, brother.

The fight only sprung into action when Boomy’s manager diverted the attention of the Hulkster. Donny ‘The Dog’ Mathers, who happens to be an actual dog, jumped into the Madison Square Crowd and proceeded to hump Brooke Hogan’s leg. An enraged Hulk creaked out of the ring and attempted to shoe the dog off. Seeing that this was having no effect, Hulk then tossed a Hulk Hogan Power Apple Nutrition Bar to the side, briefly distracting Donny Mathers but ultimately giving him the 'max strenth steroid free energy boost' needed to complete the job.

Donny fled the scene leaving Brooke with Humpamania running all over her. The Hulkster suddenly remembered the wrestling match and made a desperate attempt to get back in the ring before a count out was declared and victory handed to the World Wildlife Fund. Being 804 the Hulk failed to make it in time. Although Hulk’s lack of pace meant the broadcast team were able to replay the moment of defeat in real time, avoiding having to compile slow motion replays.

Boomy was cheered by a delirious crowd but became unpopular with the audience after picking up a steel chair and attacking a dejected Hulk Hogan. The message was clear: don’t try this at home or else a panda may beat the shit out of you with a tinfoil chair.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk